Africa Getting Sneaky On My Shit List

Dear solicitors standing directly outside the liquor store collecting money for starving kids in Africa,

  Stop making me feel like an asshole.

P.S. Especially the chick with the full-on "Blood Diamond" accent...that's just cheating. I know it. You know it. Starving kids in Africa know it.

P.P.S. What're you trying to imply that I care more about getting hammered on my day off than I do about starving kids in Africa? Guess what chief, I am fully aware of the fact that I care more about getting hammered on my day off than I do about starving kids in Africa.

P.P.P.S. Don't push me Africa. One more beg for a hand out and I'm just gonna start throwing away left-overs like you read about. Fucking meat loaf holocaust up in this piece. And from what I've been told, every time I throw away a left-over, a fairy loses its wings, an Indian sheds a tear, and one of you assholes drops dead, so watch yourself.

Hooligan Puppy Is a Hooligan

Foul. There is no coming back from that. Say what you want, but if you just get farted on mid bark, argument's over, for better or worse. Gramps over here is approaching the situation like an adult--I bark at you, you bark at me, maybe a few nips get tossed around for shits and gigs, and we both go home pumping our chests telling our friends about the fight we just won. Not this time. Puppy just changed the game, and frankly, I don't like it. Somebody sit this puppy in front of the TV, pop in a VHS copy of Homeward Bound, and let him learn a little something about respecting his elders. Can you imagine if Chance pulled this shit with Shadow? He'd be dead in a ditch somewhere instead of reunited  with the Seavers, slobbering all over baseballs, living the dream. Remember that brief moment when Chance decided to be his own dog and peel away from the pack? I'll refresh your memory: porcupine in the face. And who was there to pull out the barbs? Good old Shadow. This is just a perfect example of what's wrong with society today. Everyone's obsessed with swag: John Wall doing the Dougie in the house that MJ built, Cam Newton calling himself an icon before he's even drafted, all just puppies farting in the faces of their forefathers. Tomfoolery. Where would Gordon Bombay be without Hans? Where would Charlie be without Coach Bombay? That's how the world works, one generation learning from the last. Fucking puppies.

Who Else Remembers RollerJam?

I've been trolling the interwebs all day, and frankly there aren't any viral videos of mongoloids or foreigners that I can poke fun of in despicably poor taste...sooooo. Does anybody remember RollerJam on TNN, like ten years ago? Greatest thing ever. The "Bod Squad" just cat fighting on wheels, balloon tits popping out like a motherfucker, tickling my twelve year-old danglers, entertaining the nation. And get ready to have your mind blown: Tim "Big Nasty" Washington of the New York Enforcers, my team, used to be Titan from American Gladiators, and I'm 99% sure I saw him in the Indiana Jones show at Disney like circa '03. I'm just saying, bring that shit back. TNN is Spike TV now, so seems like a no-brainer. Love me some roller derby.

GRADUATION

Since the Class of 2011 is being abruptly bent over by reality, here's a little nostalgia for ya. Straight 90's fire right in your face. Soak it in boys and girls. Some would say the greatest generation?

Good People Ruined Me

A good person genuinely cares about the wellbeing of others? Right? Okay, so maybe celebrities hopping on fad humanitarian bandwagons despite their contradictions have jaded me, but these people who capture and release wildlife are the same people who support Feed the Children and sang on We Are the World and shit right? And they probably defend the rights of native peoples too, the tribal considerations that allow for native Inuit to eat seals? Maybe? Probably? So Africans can eat seals too, I assume? But I was always taught as a child that if I threw out any food, I was wasting it, thus ensuring the deaths of starving kids in Africa. So...if we capture an edible animal, something we have a surplus of, shouldn't we send it to Africa so they can eat it? I mean, if I send them my leftover steak it's just going to spoil, but a live seal will be edible whenever they need it, right? Am I a bad person? Probably.

P.S. You're right, this seal is adorable, so fuck starving kids in Africa.

P.P.S. If you support any cause at all, you clearly can never yell at me about A) wasting food B) making fun of Native Americans (which I would obviously never dream of because they might conquer my civilization...oh wait) or C) capturing endangered species and FedEx-ing them to Uganda

Human Bicycle...Ha

Oh, I get it. It's funny 'cause it looks like a bike. I wonder if the guy in red is as entertained by Plaid Shirt Bro cupping his balls. Called you on it. 100% you're idea, and you know it. Plaid Shirt Bro, you sneaky slut, you. Oh well, you just do you, Plaid Shirt, just do you.

Russia Wins, Yet Again

I try to be as American as possible. That being said, Russia is sneakily winning this whole Cold War thing, just taking it in the final minutes of the fourth right out from under our noses. Berlin Wall fell? Fair enough, but The Hoff crooning sweet nothings to a bunch of Deutschlanders all hopped up on Coca Cola and McDonald's doesn't win a war. Wars are won in the hearts and minds of the people, and in the strength of the generations they produce. I'm talking about my childhood. They don't make playground merry-go-rounds anymore. True story. They're dangerous, and they don't exist. Those man-powered iron Gravitrons fucking made my childhood, and they're a dying breed here in the land of lawsuits and little kiddies because it's dangerous to do amazing shit like my boys Vlad and Sergei over here, spinning around, tearing their legs off, having the time of their lives, being molded into men. Kids today never sense true fear at recess anymore, and if not there then where are they to learn how to, when necessary, be animals? Remember gripping that ancient iron handle for dear life, when once your legs gave out and kicked off the back, you knew you were done for, either you bail strategically to avoid crushing your skull on the base as you were flung off or you held on with every fiber of your being, hoping to just slam your knees a little and be dragged through the sand as the death-coaster came to a slow halt? Of fucking course you do. It's what made you who you are. Now, we've got the Ruscies over there training a generation of fearless killing machines while our little allergy-prone fairies learn about Dora the Fucking Explorer and aren't even allowed to climb jungle gyms. Game. Set. Match.

P.S. What's with all these allergy-prone kids? Do you think they sell glutton-free/dairy-free cookies at the bakery? No, kid, they fucking don't, you genetically vegan circus freak, so get out of line so I can order people food.

P.P.S. Fuck Russia.

Escalators Are Terrifying

Fuck is this? What, this rotating, steel-toothed structure? Yeah, you want me to what? What happens if my pant leg gets caught in these razor sharp barbs on every step? Does it stop like an elevator does when it's about to close on someone? Nope. Shit tears your pants right off your body, possibly taking your daddy danglers with it. Yeah, I'll take the stairs. I'm with you, bro. I am fucking terrified of escalators, just a completely archaic death trap. I'm the guy firmly grasping both handles, not running up them like a flight of stairs like some maniac just begging to face-plant and have their tongue ripped out of their suck-hole by the this robotic stair-beast. And stepping off, most agonizing part of my day, always have to leap off, both feet clearing that vicious lip on the top before it can suck me in. Fuck escalators, I need the exercise anyway.

Like a Boss

This kid is such a fucking BAMF I can't even stand it. "No more, no more." Nice try mom, but you can't keep your little girl safe from ballers like my boy over here forever, just tearing up second grade like you read about. Get it, kid. Welcome to manhood. Just give that bitch a high five, bitches love high fives. 

Summer Songs

Nothing like rollin out of bed and walking out the door to feel 70 degree weather in Boston. The smell of fresh cut grass, girls wearing sun dresses, sun on your skin. Makes you happy, nostalgic, and relaxed. It's about to be that special time, the days after classes and finals end, and before soul crushing 9-5 desk jockeying begins. Here're a few songs that capture that feeling, so put 'em on loud, sit on your porch or stoop, and pop a Corona and lime.

P.S. Once I figure out how to put a legit playlist in a post, which I have neither the patience nor desire to now, I'll update this thing.

Sweet, Brah

What an asshole this guy is, right? Who videotapes themselves windsurfing? How does one go about videotaping such an event? And what kind of pretentious dick uses impeccable grammar in a blog post? I know surfers really look down on boogie boarders or whatever, but they can't respect wind surfers that much more, can they? Wind surfers suck, don't they? Honestly, this colossal disaster would seem more entertaining if I were positive that wind surfers could swim, but I'm not, which at once makes me kind of feel for that bro doing cartwheels over the Pacific while still despising Johnny Tsunami over here with the Flip Cam. Did they die? Am I sad?

What the fuck, birds?

What the fuck is with birds? Every night lately around my apartment building the little fuckers have started their chirping by 3:00 am. Is that normal? Granted the light pollution around here is so horrible I can read the fine print of my health insurance plan with the lights out at midnight, but have they no sense at all of an appropriate time to wake up? They have no jobs to get to. Transit workers don't even roll out of bed in this town until 6.

Even if they somehow need to wake up at this hour, why announce it to the world? Birds are that douchebag roommate some kids got stuck with freshman year who does ROTC and pops out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to do push ups which he counts off loudly. Just shut the fuck up. When I wake up 30 minutes before the start of my first class everyday I don't say shit to anybody. I pound gatorade, shower, brush my teeth, and head out on my way to being 5-10 minutes late to class. A roommate is lucky to get a 'whats up' and head nod if we cross paths, and thats how it should be, because everyone hates everyone in the morning.

But birds have to be the "morning person". That one person everyone hates the most, who's able to look decent and act cheerful before they have any right to. Birds are the morningiest person in the world. I can hear them as I write this, and I swear thats not some complex form of communication. There's no society. They're all doing their own little bird thing at the top of their lungs. It's all bird for "What the fuck's up world! I'm awake as shit! I'm fuckin amped as busta rhymes in those old mountain dew commercials! Time to suck today's dick!"

Fuck you birds, I don't even know what you do here.

Cougar Tries to Pass Off Bondage Toy as Exercise Equipment

Pavarotti blasting in the background really adds to the intimacy. I think Victoria Looseleaf and I actually climaxed at the same time...about the 2:15 mark. The Facial Flex is so hot right now.

One More for the Boys in Black: B's vs. Les Habitants

Let's get it done at home boys.

UPDATE: 

They See Me Rollin'

They hatin'. Whoever is videotaping this boss lady doin' her dirt like a real O.G. is straight hatin.' That being said, this has to be the hoodest thing that I have ever seen. Hasn't she seen the Hover-Round commercials: "With help from Medicare and your insurance, your Hover-Round can be delivered to your door at no cost to you." Yo, Barack-A-Flocka-Flame, get this lady a Hover-Round. Oh well, haters gonna hate, Slater's gonna Slate.

P.S. What are the chances that both her and Robo-Cop are from Detroit? I'm goin' with high.

How Not To Cast A Mascot

Did everyone's elementary school have a mascot? I know most of you had one in high school, but the first idiot I had to look over to see the game showed up in college. Did anyone even have teams in elementary school? K-12 maybe? Anyway, the point is, this is just a classic case of poor casting. The mascot should always be a student...a small student, easily lifted and surfed over the crowd, easily toppled in any accidental play without any risk of injury to the athletes, maybe even easily topping a cheerleader pyramid. That's what mascots do. Elementary school mascot: throw a seven year old in that lion costume, and call it a day. Shit would be hilarious. Plus, the marketing writes its self. Ever heard of a little indie film called Lion King? Boom. Simba. Kids love that tiny lion. You're welcome. If only you had come to me sooner, little Billy's arm might still be in one piece. 

This Is Useless...I Want It

First, let me get the obligatory pop-culture reference out of the way: yes, Adam Jay is definitely Steve from 90210's creepy uncle. Fair enough. But, Uncle Adam, I am behind your product 100%. I've made it abundantly clear on this blog that I am always in favor of doing less, and yes, standing counts as doing. How overcome by jealous rage are you going to be the next time we're waiting in line at a bar, and I just whip this gem out of my cargo pants, take a seat, and start tossing back nips of Mr. Daniels like you read about? Green my friend. Fucking green with envy.

P.S. I don't actually own cargo pants anymore, so I'll probably just have Number One Smoosh carry my Pocket Chair around in her purse...she can stand. Bitches love standing.

P.P.S. Pretty mullet heavy blog today...perfect for the playoffs, eh?

Happy Earth Day

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
"GO PLANET!"
We're all Planeteers today. "The power is yours."

P.S. If you don't get this amazing 90's reference, we cannot be friends. That is all.

If I Told You "Argument Over," Would You Hold It Against Me?

Not that anyone gives a fuck, but I've been locked in a debate for a few weeks now with a group of mongoloids including but not limited to Griggles and Phillian over which is the better "not-quite-straight song you wish you didn't love but you totally do" club banger, Gaga's Born This Way or B-Spears' Hold It Against Me. Game. Set. Match. It's Britney, bitch. Know how I was born? American. And although it's hard to say which irks Osama more, blatant female sexuality or gay dudes, I'm pretty sure our boys over there pumping rounds all up in his grill mix break the tie. Britney's just fighting terrorism like a motherfucker.

P.S. I could make the obvious joke about the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," but I like to think I'm a little better than that.

Judges Rig Talent Show

Skip to about the one minute mark, that's when the black or white shit hits the fan. I don't know who this kid is, and it doesn't matter, the fact is, this is apparently not his track. Does he suck? Yup. Was he trying to sing Black or White or whatever the the name of the song is that I'm too lazy to Wikipedia? Yup. Is the chorus on whatever wringer track the judges are trying to fuck him over with "It doesn't matter if you're black or white...?" Yup. Is this probably his track? Yup. That doesn't matter, none of it does, because it's not his track. Bullshit. The man strikes again.Attica! Attica!

Get Me This Goldfish

Pokemon are real. That being said, catching a Magikarp is JV shit. I'd say it took about a whole 3 seconds of casting before that little [ ! ] popped up above my head and what-a-ya-know, "A WILD MAGIKARP APPEARS!" The hardest part about catching this mofo is trying not to faint it before using your Pokeball. But whatever, this lady's prowess as a Poketrainer isn't really the issue here. Since when can you just catch goldfish in the U.S.? Is this real? The last time I caught a goldfish I was tossing a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl at the county fair (won a new fish every fucking year, like a boss, 'cuz all I do is make cups.) Anyway, is this where they go when we flush them, just playing possum like you read about so they can escape into the wild and grow into uber-fish? Shit is real.

UPDATE:


Scratch that...get me this tiger/wolf pack combo because I'm breeding this shit into an Arcanine that's going to fucking own that Magikarp. I know your all "But UG that's a water-type versus a fire-type, and when that Magikarp evolves into a Gyrados, you're gonna be sorry." Well, don't be such a little bitch, Arcanine is kinda my boy, and relax bro, it's pokemon.

P.S. Anyone notice that this second video is presented by Responsible Exotic Animal Ownership? There is nothing "responsible" about hosting a fucking tiger vs. wolf pack party on your front lawn., let alone owning a Hummer, but what it is is so awesomely irresponsible and unnecessary I can taste it, and I want it, I want it bad. Just own it, you tiger-training king of kings. Be yourself...a dangerously irresponsible hero, and possibly the greatest Pokemaster the world has ever known.

P.P.S. Mike Vick is 100% drooling over this action, so who ya got? I'm talkin' Wolf pack vs. Tiger, not Arcanine vs. Magikarp, get real.

Pop Quiz of the Day

Who is the wealthiest person in the photo?

(extra points if you can list them in order)

A- Larry David (producer, co-creator)

B- Jerry Seinfeld (co-creator, self-titled character)

C-Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer, racist)

D- Julia Louis Dreyfus (Elaine Benes)

E- Jason Alexander (George Costanza)

What Do You Think?

Asian vs Hispanic. Which one is he?

Asian Toddler

vs.

Early 30's Hispanic Comedian

This has been bothering me for a while, so I don't care how old this movie is...what do you think? I honestly have no idea. He's in Boy Scouts, so he's probably young, but he's not horrified of Ed Asner, so he can't be young. He's funny, so he can't be Gabriel Iglesias, but he's fat, so he can't be Asian. I'm lost.

Editor's Note: Benny, this quandary is old as shit, but I'm going to leave the post up and answer your question. He's the illegitimate love child of Tiger Woods and Rosie Perez, raised by Sal, Rosie's neighbor from the hood in Do the Right Thing, as a favor to Spike Lee (who wouldn't allow the bastard son of a Swiss Nanny marrying Uncle Tom in his home) to make amends for the untimely death of Radio Raheem and to deter any further vandalism to his recently renovated pizza shop, although being raised in a pizza shop has led to morbid obesity. The boy was heavily influenced by the Korean grocers across the street who, recognizing the boy's obvious Asian ancestry, took it upon themselves to teach him the stringent work ethic and perseverance of his people which then of course led him to excel in the Boy Scouts. Additionally, his time roaming the neighborhood picking up Miller High Life's at the Korean grocery for The Mayor lead to his courage in the face of senility. Too many references. I'm dizzy.

Who Ya Got?

vs.

Tale of the Tape

Name: --------------Most Interesting Man in the World------ Keith Stone

Birth Place: ---------Latin America------------------------- Middle America

Age: ---------------- Old--------------------------------- Too old for the grade he's in.

Reach: ------------- 67" ---------------------------------- For another stone.

Always drink beer? No --------------------------------- Yes

When he does? ---- Dos Equis--------------------------- Treinta Keystones

Music: ------------ Classical/Tango------------------------- Lynyrd Skynyrd

Clothing: -----------Classy------------------------------ Lynyrd Skynyrd

Food: ------------- Fillet Mignon------------------ Whatever Macho Man Randy Savage eats.*

'Merica?----------- Nope-------------------------------- Fuck yeah!

Winner: Stone. Keith Stone.

P.S. I was gonna do a "Who Ya Got?" Pacquiao vs. Mosley. But come on. I'm just gonna make it a "Who Ya Got?" Pacquiao vs. whatever chump they get to step up after Mosley if the sport of boxing still exists a few months from now. The latter being the only part up for debate anymore.

P.P.S.

Hardest Elbow to the Face Ever?

After that last post, I had to throw out a quick NBA elbow throwback. I could not believe it when I saw this live. I was actually legitimately worried. I love Big Baby. We share a special kinship. The kinship of idiots who have broken their hands punching a close friend in the head. I wish that were a joke. So without further ado, Big Baby gettin' KTFO'd by the foulingest dude in the league. At least Baby tried to get up, lookin' at you Hansbro.

Editor's Note: True story...Benny Blanco broke his hand punching The Infection in the head after an argument over who was the better high school wrestler. Fucking idiots I spend my time with.

So Tyler Hansbrough's Ear is Blue Tonight

So Hansbrough got elbowed the cluck out last game. I didnt think the hit looked that hard, but he went down. Now, his ear is straight up blue like I've never seen. His ear's gonna end up looking cauliflowered up like a UFC fighter's.

Here's last game's hit:

Now here's the actual last game's hit:

So which hurt him worse last game, the ear-bow, or the pacers last minute lead blow?

What?

This shit blew my mind. Toronto has a basketball team now? D-League? And they can afford a mascot?

P.S. My money has a chick in that costume.

Candy

I know what you're thinking. This fucking psycho just destroyed his entire kitchen because he couldn't find his candy. Fair enough. But read between the lines. He had put his candy in the freezer. I do the same thing. People who freeze their candy like their candy frozen, so who the fuck put his candy on the counter? I'm looking at you camera man. "I'll take my dad's candy out of the freezer and put it on the counter so it's all meltie and then videotape his reaction and post it on YouTube, lolz." Well this is what happens. Get a job asshole.

Get It!

This nine year-old girl is officially stronger than your boy UG, I think. I'm not sure because I haven't squatted anything besides a shit in the woods since I was fifteen. I'm cool with it though. 187 just seems like extra to me, right? I refuse to fuck anything over a buck twenty anyway, so why bother lifting anything that heavy? Good for this kid though, I guess. I mean, nobody will ever be able to force themselves on her at a frat party, so that's a win, but nobody will ever want to and she probably won't be invited either, and that's a fact.

Flawless Victory

My boy here just pocketing pens like a motherfucker. Like I always say, diversion has everything to do with the perfect heist. Kansas City Shuffle. They look right, you go left. Nice pen, bro, wanna sign a treaty or something? Yup. Next thing you know, boom. Gaffles.

P.S. Am I the only one who knows about gaffles? Started back in high school, and no one in college seems to be in on it. Basically, you can take shit from your friends as long as they're there when you do it and you call gaffles on it. Example: you're buddy's eating a sandwich and has some fries on the side..."Gaffles!" You snag a fry. That's it. Next time you've got a surplus of shit he might gaffle you back. Just never gaffle anything too costly and try to respect the gaffle (don't go gaffling shit all over the place.)

P.P.S. No gaffling booze, people, or girls.

Um...You Got a Tree In Your Face

So, not really sure how to approach this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. You got a tree in your face, bro.

Story of My Life, Bro

When was the last time I shit myself in Vegas? Roughly March 10th, if I remember correctly, which I'm not sure I do.

Pedro?

MLBTradeRumors -Free-agent pitcher Pedro Martinez is waiting for a call to help a team win a World Series, writes Joe Brescia of the New York Times.  The 39-year-old says that he could get himself into playing shape rather quickly.

"I’m in shape right now and I’m training and I’m playing catch, so getting to full strength would probably take me a month, month and a half, to be on a mound," said the eight-time All-Star.

Martnez was asked if he would choose the Yankees, BoSox, or Phillies if all three teams called and offered the same salary.  The vet said that he would probably choose Boston, so that he could retire and enter the Hall of Fame with the same hat.  He would consider the Phillies though as he would like to win a championship in the National League.

The right-hander last pitched in 2009 for the Phillies, posting a 3.63 ERA with 7.5 K/9 and 1.6 BB/9 in nine starts.

I'm going to go ahead and be the first to say this should just happen. Bring my boy back. 

That's Enough...Seriously

That's enough Inception referencing...seriously. The interwebs are getting saturated with these stupid little Inception jokes. Except they're not jokes, and they're fucking stupid. An egg inside another egg: Eggception. A trashcan inside another trashcan: Binception. A sandwich inside another sandwich: Hamception. That's a fucking nuff.
P.S. Putting a sandwich inside your sandwich completely throws off your bread/meat ratio; not only is that not funny, it's irresponsible and frankly pretty reckless.
P.P.S. What do you call a dick sheath inside another dick sheath? Contraception. Boom. Roasted. Last one...seriously.

Case Race with CaseRace

Tonight, CaseRace, JLC, and myself will compete in a case race. "But who do we root for?" you may ask. America. Root for America. Because we are taking on six bros from the fencing team, a team of which Phillian, our supposed friend, is a member. So who do you root for? Three blue-blooded American alcoholics, or six foil-flipping fencing fairies? We're funneling the first round and giving ourselves a 20 minute personal limit just to make it interesting. I'll be seeing you again, this side or the other. 

UPDATE: Victory...kind of. The fencers didn't compete against us, so we competed against the only truly worthy adversary: ourselves. 

P.S. JLC texted me at 9am informing me that he had just woken up in a cemetery. 

Dog on Dog Violence, Butler Wins

VS

Classic case of "Fuck my bracket, my baby cousin picks teams based on mascots and beats me eight times out of ten." I actually had UConn in the final. And I actually lost money on Butler because I had VCU getting 2.5. That being said, fuck it. I'm picking based on mascots, and it's actually a tough pick. Since Snow Dogs sucks and Ms. Beefy and Mr. Meaty from Fantasy Factory are the greatest 1-2 K-9 punch since Shadow and Chance in Homeward Bound, I gotta go Butler here, Bulldogs over Huskies, not a KO but definitely on points. If I weren't a broken and defeated man, I would pick based on actual sports knowledge and say that  Uconn's defense keeps Butler in check and Kemba's play-making gets it done late. 

UPDATE: Game just ended...so I was actually right. Fuck my baby cousin. 

More Evidence That Dogs Are The Tits

Cats hate people. FACT. Dogs love everyone. FACT. I am going to be a shitty father. FACT. If I leave a cat to watch my kids, best case scenario: the cats at least kill them quickly before they start eating them. If I leave my kids with this guy: he plays one of the top five kids boardgames of all time, and he probably even let's them win. Done and done. He probably even has a cold beer waiting for me when I stumble back in at 3am.

Beautiful Women From Before We Were Born

Lauren Bacall. Watch The Big Sleep. Written by William Faulkner. Starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. No, for real, stop reading and watch the movie now. Then read the wikipedia entry and watch it again so you can understand the needlessly circuitous plot. What do you want, it's Faulkner. But try not to fall in love with Bacall when you watch it. I dare you. I defy you.

Now don't forget, the "beautiful women from before we were born" segment is also soul crushingly depressing. Any "Sopranos" fans? Well, you might recognize this woman. No, thats not the eponymous villain from the Mummy franchise. Yep, it's Lauren Bacall. Gone from upstaging Bogey to getting rocked in the face by Christopher Moltisanti. Time makes fools of us all.

Who ya got?

Turns out blue trunks won by unanimous decision. You can never tell with those little bantamweights.

Boxing fans, look out for Teon Kennedy doin big things in that incredibly unpopular weight class.

"Prince William admits to pre-wedding nerves"

Don't worry. This isn't the story about that headline. This is a story about that the fact that that is a fucking headline. On CNN. Is England ever going to drop the charade? Cue Pharrell "I know that you're carryin' on, nevermind if you're showin off, you are just frontin, (you know that I want you England). But seriously stop frontin. You know you ain't no monarchy baby. It's ok. I accept you. I love you for your content; your Karl Pilkington, your 'Skins', your guy from get him to the greek, your old lady who tells james bond what to do, not your surface appearance. So lets drop this cutesy act where you pretend that you're still ruled like you were when people got the plague. Then this prince guy can be just another douche. Which he already is. Just a random douche who's rich for no reason. Don't get me wrong, we have douches who are rich for no reason over here "across the pond". Probably more of them. But we make them live in a house on the jersey shore for our entertainment, or at least put out a sex tape, before they get to be rich. Now that's how you run a country

"The Deer Hunter 2"

Couldn't pay me to play this game. I am far too much of a pussy. But if you did pay me, I'd keep a straight face and maintain the suspense and drama of the scene and not fuck it up by giggling the way Jimmy Fallon ruined every decent SNL sketch that Will Ferrel ever let him be in. Man up.

World's Cutest Housekeepers Shoot the Shit When They Should Be Working

I'm fucking tired of this. The first two that the maid service sent over just kept squawking around, probably mocking my DVD collection and discussing which pills to jack out of my medicine cabinet. Unbelievable. So I call for replacements, and I get this shit. "Preferably younger" means two hot 18 year-olds that at least look good while they go all Telemundo all over my place, not two babies. Now, they're just standing around my kitchen, talking more gibberish. Learn the language assholes, and at least clean up the toys you brought with you.

Sneaky Bad Parenting

Oh, ROFLz, I totally taught my kid to love Kid Cudi, can't wait to plaster that all over the internet. Bad idea. You just trained your daughter to open wide and smile like a donut every time some asshole blasts a rap song in his car. I'm sure that'll start working out really well for her in about 14 years. When does R. Kelly get out, by the way?

100 Percent Not Real Life

There are two things that piss me off about this video. First, why isn't it snowing? This is a Christmas movie right? I hate having to acknowledge that parts of the country without seasons celebrate holidays. Second, what kinds of dick street performer turns down chicken? Not only that, who accepts a tip from two little kids, anyway. Have some self-respect. Maybe they figured that if they gave you money, you'd spend it all on crack, just like their parents always taught them, so they figured they'd help you out with a meal. Their parents also probably taught them that you'd like fried chicken for whatever reason. Just keep playing your sax and just be glad that you aren't sleeping in a real American city on Christmas, a city with snow.
P.S. You could learn something from this guy. Cue the Sexy Sax Man...

My Bad. But No, Not Really.

There is no way this was my fault. Who searches for "the lowerclassman?" And besides, your parents should be keeping a better eye on you. And what's all this shit about you feeling "funny inside" and "bad" because you read my blog. Fuck you. I know you're just telling the girl next door that "porn is bad" and that "objectifying the female form to the point of actually ejaculating onto someone's face is disgraceful" because you're trying to get it in, and I can respect that, we've all said things we didn't mean, but you are kind of hurting my feelings with this.
P.S. Perfect casting for "Lisa."

From Russia with Love

Apparently, this is a Russian wedding. What the fucking fuck, Batman? This reminds me of that time in high school when the two Downs' kids ran off and fucked in the bathroom stall. Shit got real. It was a legit scandal, but I like to think that this is how things worked out, just a crazy fucking bear-suit wedding, short-bus love story like you read about. Looks like they got the last laugh, though. I mean, they put all those railings in the handicapped stall for a reason, which explains the bathroom fucking, but if this is them, I still don't know what's up with the bears. I can't explain that shit.

Worst Porno Ever

This is the bullshit. Maybe it's me. Maybe years of hardcore atrocities that would make Dr. Mengele blush being spewed all up in the interwebs and labeled as porn have dulled my better judgment a bit, but this has to be the weakest porno I've ever seen. It's bad enough when the Japanese blur all the crotch shots beyond recognition, and I refuse to even waste my valuable time on that Skinemax shit with B-list starlettes dry humping all over the place, but now they're just marching this fully-clothed chub-monster on stage so she can get finger-blasted by an invisible deity while Jesse The Body Ventura narrates. Bam Bam Bam Bam. Finish Him (read in Mortal Kombat voice-over.)
P.S. Nice acting on her part kinda, although, I doubt the man upstairs really cares if you finish or not.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool/Number One Smoosh Trick

Nice try, asshole. Number one smoosh tried this same stunt while doing her chores: made me a sandwich, sat on it, got accidentally pleasured while I ate. Fool me once...but you taking a nap on the vacuum while it cleans is a fucking no-brainer, cat. Fuck you, you still aren't cool. Doesn't count if you love it, and you enjoy man-feastery the likes of which may never grace this plane existence again or you vacuum while having the time of your life: you just better serve me and hate it, no questions asked. So clean, and don't even pretend to like it, no joy rides on my watch. It is not enough for me to succeed, others must fail.

Sad, But I Still Fucking Love Japan

Stay on your toes, bro. You never know. I mean, one day, a fucking giant wave might come and wash away your entire world. I am sorry. Seriously, I hope you guys keep your fever, your joy for tom-foolery, because I straight can't spit intranet fire like you guys, so I better be able to mock you. I  might be done. I drive a Toyota, so you guys owe me. I'm practically one of you, so keep being fucking idiots, please. Japan is like a daughter. I guess I don't really care if you die or whatever, but if you are sticking around, I hope you live to produce profitable income for me in the form gem bits like this. Stay classy my friends.

Why Are They Rich?

I'm going to sound like a fucking loser, and I don't care any more than I did when I first became a fucking loser, so jokes on you, dad. But, what am I missing? Every Emo kid. Every Goth kid. Every Punk kid. Every Street Performer. They always have like ten quality wallet chains. I don't have a one. Know why? Unlike these apparent billionaires, I'm fucking broke. You steal my wallet, and you might find an Amex gift card with $3.17 left on it (a consolation present from my father upon my admittance on loser-dome, once loaded with $100), a BestBuy  rewards card, a picture of a 5'1" blonde with 34C tits and a size 0 waist (the number one smoosh, seriously), a cut-out pic of Tom Brady (seriously), and a card that says I need A-Positive blood in case of an accident despite my license which points out that I'm not an organ donor because I'm that much of an asshole (thanks, Red Cross). Apparently, Richie Rich up there is rollin' around wads of hundreds strapped to a stainless steel "Hot Topic" noose just throwing it in my face while I can't even afford a pair of "step-dad stompin' boots" from that place. I am such a fucking loser.

Baby Can't Dance For Shit

First off, babies go viral, and I'm not about to fall behind the curb. That being said, not to be a dick, but train your fucking baby or don't even show up for the show. So You Think You Can Dance? Nurp. Kid's weak like a "Manwich" at a chili cook-off. As a side note, I'm 99.99% sure a British nanny was convicted for pretty much exactly what you just did to your kid, so say, "Howdie" to mommy for me when she sees this video, dumbass, 'cuz junior's about three shakes away from given' her nothing but "durp, durp" and a head bob for the next eighteen years.  My favorite part of the video was when the beat went all, "Womp! Womp! Womp! Womp! Womp!"

Cat Hatin'

Alright, I know I hate on kitties quite a bit without any counter-evidence. Boom. This dog just lifted his biffle and replaced him in the cage so the boys in blue would peep none the wiser; case in point: dogs are kinda bro, and cats are kinda hipster. Right? I know a lot about hipsters because I'm drowning in them over in the English Department (hope they never catch on to the fact that I spend my free time peddling smut like 4Chan.org on a government holiday, well, maybe not that bad) and I promise you that cats are hipsters. Dogs bro out like motherfuckers, and I fucking love it. Every time I watch this video, I just see Red walkin' up to a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico and laughing his ass off, like "Bro, you're kinda my dawg right now." (If you didn't get that Shawshank reference, you might be a cat, but you've probably never heard it.)

WTF?

False. I have heard that Strawberries cure cancer and condoms give you lymphoma, point being that there's evidence of pretty much everything, but Ann Coulter is the second coming of Radio, but don't quote me on that because I think it's pronounced "retard," but I've only read about it. Really?  (again, watch the video assholes, I reference it in the post sometimes.)
P.S. Sometimes, I don't watch the videos.

Amerikuuuur

Boom. Roasted.

Fuck It.

Nice. That is all.

Holy Shit, It Might Be a Squirrel

"And then, I was like, 'Shit, bro,' and a squirrel was on me. 'It's not in any way dangerous, but fuck, I can afford better protection than this shit. If squirrels get this close, can you imagine what black people might do.'" Rough neighborhood.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

See: Nice Try, Miss. Seriously. But then I thought, maybe some girls just pretend to suck at things. If a cat can box dive, the number one smoosh can/wants to too, right? I am convinced that some girls actually try really hard  to suck at diving/ pretend they wouldn't be awesome at it, because the number one smoosh goes to an all-girls school, and she refuses to gutter stutter, and I can't figure out why. Take a hint from this ginger puss, and pile drive a smash box. I would say, "Boom. Roasted." But I'd rather say, "Boom. Triple Kiss your fucking friends already because I know you want to."

Rebecca Black Is So Hot Right Now

This is why 15 year-olds shouldn't go for joy rides when they're supposed to be in school. For shame. At least she chose the back seat, guess that little dilemma ended up being bigger than we thought, whether you're chillin' in the front seat or kickin' it in the back, shit gets real when you least expect it.
P.S. This is about how my bracket looks right now.

Today's Picks

First post of many throughout March Madness to leave everyone with some easy wins and potential longshots against Vegas.

The Fix is in....
on Richmond (+3) over Vandy today. Richmond is coming too hot and their rebounding will provide enough second chance point to pull out the W. Richmond led the conference in offensive and defensive field goal percentage as well as 3-point percentage. They are led by 2 senior first-team all-conference selections, forward Justin Harper and guard Kevin Anderson.

Missouri (+1) over Cinci. Missouri has a well balanced offense with five players, including four juniors, averaging double-digit scoring. Guard Marcus Denmon has led the way with 17.1 points per game. They are primed to make a run in the tourney and against an unimpressive Cinci team i think they pull it out.

Louisville (-10) over Morehead State. Louisville has the talent to make a run and give a very talented Kansas team a run for their money in a potential sweet 16 matchup. They are fast and force many turnovers. Predicting a blowout, Rick Pitino, enough said.

BEST BET: Though I like all these team but I'm saying best bet for the day is a 2 game teaser moving the lines to Louisville to -6 and Richmond to +7 for even odds on your money. Put 50 on it, game over.

Today's best longshot goes to Belmont over Wisconsin in a dangerous 4 vs 13 matchup. Belmont plays a style of offense that could exploit the slow methodical style of the Badgers. Belmont's risk-taking, in your face defense/offense should provide an interesting test in this trap game for the Badgers.

Creepy Cricket Fan Raped You, and It Will Happen Again

After watching this video, I started feeling those phantom cock itches you get after a one night stand, like no matter how many showers you take, you just don't feel clean for a few days. I know I probably don't have anything, but I swear I have bumps forming at the base of my smash shaft after Slumdog Crazy-Stare over here had his way with my gaze and left my mind just tattered and torn apart in some club bathroom while Ben Roethlisberger's bodyguards blocked the door. I need to get tested.

Sex

I'm just going to play this in the background while I masturbate to my friend's Spring Break albums on Facebook. Don't judge me. You're going to do it too. 

This Might Be Uncle Roy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Baby Needs To Stay Focused

I agree. Shit's hilarious. If you're putting your free throw up, and your Turkish center is sneezing his ass off because he's allergic to American cocaine (read: baby powder), no shit you're going to laugh, but stay focused bro, Paul still pulls it off. It's the cow. Smack that cow. Shit goes moo. Pull on the barn. Tug the pony. Back in my day, it was called "Bop It," and we didn't have ecological cues like barnyard stipulations, all instinct. Bop it. (Sneeze.) (Focus.) Pull it. Bop it. Twist it. Pull it. Stay focused. Fucking baby.

Nice Try, Miss

Ya, dunking is easy. All the ladies can do it. It's actually having to palm the ball on the way up that's the hard part. Nice try, though. Boom. Roasted.

Summing Up Vegas

So, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a picture complete with an original quote from the Vegas journey '11 is worth a couple of dimes, ballpark, so here it is. I rolled down the strip with  a crew consisting of Case Race, JLC, Griggles, and The Infection and we proceeded to change the game. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...but...someone won $800 playing zeros on roulette like a dick and proceeded to remind us all of it the whole time (The Infection)...someone was kicked out of two out of three clubs at The Palms...someone chugged a 48 oz pilsner full of Segram's Seven on the Rocks on a $20 bet (from a cop)...someone high-jacked some VIP wristbands so Griggles and JLC could go cover free for the week...someone, after telling a girl he was thirsty, was given a shot and proceeded to puke all over her room before walking away without ever speaking a word to her again...someone gave a girl a facial in the ladies room at Moon Bar...some people may have slept three bro's deep on a queen bed (no pun intended) when someone in particular got up, yelled "I have a boner," and ran into the closet (literally)...someone puked into the fountain at the Bellagio...someone pulled down someone's pants and threatened them at knife point (kinda sounds worse than it was out of context)...and the rest is pretty blurry. 

Vegas

Bout to go to Vegas for the week. The game's about to change, but the player's remain the same. Suck my dick assholes.
P.S. Swallow.
P.P.S. Sorry it's so salty. Sometimes our destinies choose us.

Brian Atene's Step-Brother Wants to Date You

This can't be real. But it is, and it's spectacular. What should I do? Be appealing? No. I'm going to love you violently like Charlie Sheen at a  warlock jet fighter orgy. Everyone's married, and this homeless cage fighter better be too, or else. Gob bless Amaeriker.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

Nice try, fag. But that's the worst part. This cat is seriously trying to be cool. "I can catch bro!" Fail. Easiest game to play with a dog? Catch. Hardest game to play with a cat? Living my life without instantly regretting buying a fucking cat because my pussy threatened to withhold blowjobs (see what I just did there?) The number one smoosh loves cats, but it will never happen and this is why. "But UG, they're so adorable...slurp slurp slurp." No. Cats suck dick. Hungrily. And, the bromos in this video couldn't get it in with a speedpass.
P.S. I apologize for the use of "fag." I clearly meant it literally, as in this particular feline is a weak individual with physical attributes reminiscent of a small branch or twig.
P.P.S. I'm allergic to cats.

Touche

He is more of a man than I will ever be.

Blah Blah Blah..."Cumshot?"

I understand one word in this video, and that's enough. Winning.

Really?

So my six fans are always like, "UG, make fun of the South. You're a racist fuck, and you hate on Japan too much," or, "Kid, leave Russia alone," or, "Fuck you, Bieber is God's answer to straight." So here it is. How fucking retarded can the south be (ya, you aren't capitalized because you are not a country because you lost) to not know what to do if a firetruck is behind them. Two questions? Did you set a cross on fire in order to scare cool people away? No. Do you want to get blamed for the cross that your cousin set on fire to scare cool people away? No. If you answered no, pull over to the right, and stop running away like OJ in a Bronco. That's what she said (see first 5 seconds of video.) (I know none of you watch the videos, just read the headlines and my comments, lazy fucks.) Only you can prevent inbred hicks from burning to death.

Best Movie Ever

Ya, I'm watching The Princess Bride right now. I'm hammered, and the number one smoosh already left for the night. I am alone watching the best movie ever. Wanna get laid? Next time a smoke tells you to get the fuck away from her, drop "As you wish." Only respectable comeback. If Jenna Mourey throws "the face" at you: "As you wish," back away, never turn your back. If all else fails, give her something shiny.

People Laugh at Hot Chick for No Reason

Don't get it. Chick's got moves I've only seen on the short bus, and I used to get it in on that motherfucker like Sheen at a BangBros casting call. Fire. I'd hit it 10 times out of forever.

This Has to Be Fake

This is fake. This has to be fake. I know for a fact that all girls are flexi-sexual (look it up). It is fake. It has to be, or I quit. They all had a top secret dirty Russian whore pillow fight immediately after this absurd video was made. Unless this is a video of my roommate Phillian dressed up as a female Russian civilian molesting unsuspecting law enforcement agents, which I doubt, I cannot accept it. That is all.

Behind the Scenes of Every Rap Video Ever

I cannot possibly express how much this made my day. You wanna make a good video, bro? Do what the Beastie Boys did, grab a fish-eye lens, and videotape yourself in the fucking woods. Gold. Or, here's an idea, you're a scrawny white rapper, you are supposed to be a satire of yourself, so why not make this same video next to your '98 Accord, that shit would at least get a chuckle (not as much as this gem, but with way less embarrassment.) I hope every rapper does this, because it's pathetic in the heart-warming way that only a douchebag's downfall can be. Obscure reference, but I grew up with this shit: remember back on The Real World: New Orleans, when the cast had to produce a public access show (The Real 7 on 77, I think) and in the intro, each cast member introduces himself, except David, an aspiring R&B singer, who decided to videotape himself next to Land Rovers that weren't his, while he pretended to unlock them in super slow-mo and his terrible R&B re-imagining of "Luck Be a Lady" played in the background. This of course started a whole controversy in the house about what an asshole he is, and ever since then, I've had a sneeking suspicion that all rap videos are exactly like that. Now, I know that they are. Fuck you, David.

P.S. The fact that the video groupie on the hood seems completely unaffected by this leads me to believe that I am 100% right on this. She's been in every video ever, and clearly knows the drill.

Editor's Note: People keep telling me that this video is fake because the rapper is white, as is the car owner. Fuck that. I stand by my thinly veiled Bostonian racism as well as my assertion that David was and is in fact an asshole. As for the "production value is too low for a real video" argument, you are a fucking mongoloid sea creature's masturbatory rag if you think that poor people don't make rap videos. (I am not actually racist, but you are. If I'm wrong, prove it. Owned.)

Yet Another Sheen Remix

I'm just going to blog every fucking Sheen remix I find. Straight fire, but I can't help but feel like this would be so much better if I was on some Sheen right now.

Spring Break Abs

Not gonna lie, this is roughly the shape I'm in. Except, instead of airsoft pellets, imagine popcorn kernels tumbling from my chin while I watch Hot Shots Part Deux on my Netflix at 2pm on a Tuesday while sipping skunked Busch and mumbling Sheen quotes to myself in between chews. Problem: I'm leaving for Vegas on Saturday for Spring Break, and this is the shit I'm packin'. Just a few weeks ago, Benny Blanco and me were all pumped to get P90X because Mike'n'Mike kinda talked us into it somehow (like we were going to have pornstars sipping Red Headed Sluts from our rippling abs), and then we just didn't do a fucking thing because we were busy mocking strangers on the internet and trolling YouJizz and Chatroulette simultaneously. And of course, my one roommate, Case Race, that's actually in shape refuses to be seen with me if a wear a t-shirt in the hot tub, well fuck you, bro, I don't wanna be seen next to you with my shirt off. Guess I'll have to settle for strippers doing lines off my cock.

P.S. I'm actually a stud, and everybody wants to fuck me, and my number one smoosh is like seven shades of smoke. Benny actually looks like shit though.

P.P.S. I'm actually repulsive and the only girl that will fuck me is my inexplicably hot girlfriend.

P.P.P.S. The only reason I'm sucking my girlfriend off so much in this blog is because I'm going to Vegas without her for spring break, and she's not happy about it.

I Love You LaShonda

Just a fair warning to everyone: I am doing this right now. Honestly, it's kind of a slow day around here, and this just seems like the kind of hood rat stuff that can turn an afternoon around. I just wanna spread the love. 

Best Picture

That is all.

Kid Fails to Grasp Everything

Hey kid, fuck you. Charlie Sheen is a fucking "warlock...rock star from mars," and in case you missed it, he can jump of a cliff because he's "an F-18, bro," just spitting "gnarly-isms" like a mothefucking "high priest." How many Best Anal Scene AVN award-winning starlettes watched Jaws for the first time on your bitchin' yacht? Zero. If Major League 3(b) came out right now, it would be the highest grossing film in the history of cinema. So why don't you go jump off a cliff before Captain Sheen melts your face off. "Winning."

Mouth Cancer, Here I Come. Thanks for the Heads Up, Taiwan.

So, this story broke like a week ago: apparently a study shows that guys (especially white guys, I guess, for some reason) who feast on the clam burger like Kobayashi are more likely to catch the big C right in the mouth (no pun intended, but seriously, did you see what I just did there?), and I guess this has something to do with HPV. Well, it was only a matter of time until Taiwan went straight genius on everyone's ass and animated the shit out of this story. I have loved every second of Taiwanese news animation, and this might be my favorite. Of course HPV is a pimp, and fish tacos always feature whole trout. Genius.

Robbery Sort Of

Nice plan bro. I'm going to go controversial with this and give China some credit here. Here's why: when you limit your citizens' access to movies and TV and the internet and shit, regular people have no fucking idea how to do hood rat stuff like rob a bank. In 'Merica, a seven year old knows how to steal a car, and everyone who's seen The Town knows that if you're going to rob a bank, wear a mask (before you actually enter the bank), hack the alarm, bring a gun, and get the fuck out as quickly as possible. Hatchet versus bullet proof glass for six minutes? Nerp. So, ya, China doesn't have to worry about master mind bank robbers, a small victory for the reds. We roll a bit more on the gangster side of the force over here, case in point:

Cheerleader Fondles Pitt Player's Ball

Ya, I made a balls joke. Fuck it. Nobody is going to read a post about some "Bring It On" bro's premature cheer ejaculation, but if I tweet some post about a cheerleader cupping an opposing player's scrotum, everyone's going to read it. Blogging 101. It's not my fault you people are sick.
P.S. I can't be trusted court-side either. I'm like a little fucking kid, and if I have a chance to toss the game ball into the rafters right before the floor gets stormed, I'm taking that shit ten times out of ten. Gaffles.  

Really?

Really? I could sit here and point out every ridiculous aspect of this 19th century go-cart (no tires, chainsaw motor, no torque, etc.), but I'm not. I'm actually glad to see some Russians showing some good old fashioned American ingenuity to stick-to-it-iveness. We win. The cold war is finally over, and Russian rednecks are inventing fucked up racing machines straight outta the bayou.  

Corey Haim Memoriam Montage

Can't believe they left Corey out of the montage. Somewhere, Sheen is pouring a shot out for the Haim and promptly licking it up off the floor...still winning.

Best. Dance. Ever.

Not gonna lie, this guy is a better dancer than I am. But that isn't why I respect him. I respect him because I too am a lazy asshole. Despite his melodious vigor, this man is lazy as fuck. How do I know? Guy bought a nice new TV and, rather than replace his old set on the shelf, he just put the new one on top and cleverly disguised the old shit box under a small tablecloth. Straight not giving a fuck, like a boss.

Camel Going Down

[Insert camel toe joke here]

Chatroulette Update

Fuck chatroulette. No one will talk to me. I don't have my dick out. I seriously will talk to anyone. I'm just lonely and homely. Only Turkish dudes and emo chicks will amuse me for a few seconds, then nothing.

Not Boston College

Yo, you see that BC boxing shit on the stool bro! Yes. I did. Saw it before it was posted on Stool Boston and El Pres shit all over BC. It's not Boston College because they name the dorm in the original, and that dorm doesn't exist here. Fight also sucks. I remember helmet boxing, from football, lacrosse, hockey, and probably womens volleyball back in grade school.

Impressive?

Not gonna lie, as I've said before, can't touch the rim anymore. I get laid with words, flat out. If breakin' boards gets this kid laid, just go with it. So you're not good at sports? Fuck it. Fake it til you make it.

I'm Drunk on a Wednesday

Newsflash: I'm drunk on a Wednesday with my roommates. Movie lineup: Willow, Always Sunny Season 1, Night at the Roxbury, Walk Hard, Animal House, Scent of a Woman. Chatroulette: Hard. Underage Girls Friended and Accepted by Benny: 2. Fucks Given: 0. Bootycalls: 1. Showed Up: 1. Left Us Upon Arrival: 1. Handles: 2. I love listing shit. See you tomorrow.

Kid's Gonna Get So Much Ass Someday

Mortal Lock: Stoollala will blog this tomorrow, but I'm just going to give the kid a high five right now. If my wife ever trains my son to do this while I'm at work actually contributing to the world, I will hang myself in Fenway, where he would have played had his mother not fucked him in the head so badly. Seriously though, no one should ever blame this kid for working it like a motherfucker, all mom's fault.

Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

Nice try, Jimmy, or whatever the fuck your name is. Sensed the dog adoption papers on the way, so you learned a trick. But I caught the editing you bastard, and I know for a fact my dog would stick a thumb up anytime anyplace: no, "Do it again Jimmy?" end scene, cut to cat feeling like doing it again later. Do you know how many times a dog will chase a ball? Forever. Know why? Because they are everything my girlfriend isn't--namely, trainable. So, fuck you, Jimmy. If I wanted yet another un-trainable pussy, I'd date one. Cats remain worthless. Edit that mofo.

The Mexicutioner

SURPRISE, Ariz. -- Kansas City Royals closer Joakim Soria wants to get rid of his nickname.

Soria saved 43 games in 46 opportunities last season and for the second time in two years was selected to the All-Star Game. Along the way, he's picked up a nickname he doesn't like: "The Mexicutioner."

Soria is from Monclova, Mexico. He says the nickname has a negative connotation and is particularly bad these days with all of the drug-gang violence in his native country. He wants a different nickname or just to be called by his given name.

Copyright 2011 by The Associated Press

So, I just saw this on ESPN and I have to say, "The Mexicutioner" will forever be Soria's nickname. What negative connotation? You mean sports? You're a fucking closer. Your job is to end people. That's why "Hell's Bells" and "Enter Sandman" and shit play when you guys enter the game. Nothing will stop Mexican drug lords from running shit in Mexico, especially not some ball throwing defector changing his nickname. Just embrace it, and keep Mexicuting bitches like a motherfucker for our entertainment. You can't pick your nickname, that's why Benny Blanco is Benny Blanco and I'm known among close acquaintances as Huge Cock McGee.  

P.S. I get where this dude is coming from, but he needs to relax. He sounds like a pussy.