Rookie Move, Mailman

So, I'm walking around the neighborhood today, and I notice every mailbox is slapped with a "Wet Paint" sign. Fucking rookie move, chief. Um, mailman, you're in Allston, the hipster mecca. To a hipster, "Wet Paint" translates to "Free Paint." Now every occupier in a ten mile radius is going to have matching postal service blue denim jackets and messenger bags, and every mailbox near my apartment is going to have a whiny little blotch on it, can't wait to see all the smurf-looking cool kids lurking outside of Silhouette tomorrow night.

P.S. I was walking back from the packie when I noticed the mailboxes, and I gotta say, Sam Summer gets all the glory, but Harpoon IPA is the real Boston summer beer. Fuck what ya heard.

The Shtick Continues

The shtick continues.  First off, this post has nothing to do with tits, but if I just put a picture of me backhanding an elderly Indian, nobody would read this, so fuck it, fake it til you make it, bro. Actually, everybody would read this, but I don't have that picture. Anyway, I've dropped some tweets recently about the owner at my corner packy, specifically the fact that every time I pick up a thirty, he says, "Big party today?" and makes me feel like an asshole. No, bro, 30 is just the number of beers I drink on a Sunday. Today was the icing on the cake. Sunday fun day, so I snagged myself an eighteen, and yet, still with the "Big  party" line. The fuck? Ya, I'm throwing a real hoe-down with my 18 natties, gonna rage like it's 1999 you combed over snuffleupagus testicle-looking beer peddler. So, I finally told him, "Just me, actually, I'm not a big party guy." This ends now. There is no party. There never was a party. Get off me.  

UPDATE: Picked up a 24 with nothing but a "nice weather today." Smells like...victory. 

Russia's Got Talent-ish

First off, yes, opening a bottle of wine without a cork screw is infuriating, but it can't possibly be this funny--it's just a way of swinging your dick around in front of your alcoholic cute and quirky girlfriend while you MacGyver it with a knife and some 'Merican stick-to-it-iveness. This is like Duck Soup or Who's on First retro comedy. So either eastern Europe is uber-hipster and this shit will be funny again in ten years, or they are in comedy as in everything else about 75 years behind us and the Stooges remake will kill over there as soon as they develop VHS technology. And what's with all the judges having their own dining table? Oh, you fancy, huh? Get on my level, Vlad.

Ghost Face Peppa (Not Wu Tang vs Salt N Peppa Mashup)

Fake it till you make it? I grew up in the ghetto...and white...so...ya, fruit punch in a bottle? Fuck you. Mix powder with soda water and lemon juice, ass. Black people My neighbors do powder with sugar and tap, but still not name-brand bottled shit. Also, you have lighting equipment. Fake poor = racist all day. Also, I've had a ghost pepper, and shit is legit not a tease. Full Throttle. Charlie's Angels 2.

Guy Buys Lemon, Gets Mad When It Doesn't Taste Like Strawberries

You mad, bro? Read the fine print. When your car manufacturer also make microwaves, TVs, and irons, your car only turns left. Sorry. Get a job as a homeless man and buy a Hyundai.

Me With Any Girl Over 5'5''

Hard truth. 

Hero Liberates Commuters Only To Be Betrayed By Bus

And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who...fuck you hipster...fuck you more bus.

Happy Easter. Puppies.

Harry Potter Groupies Go Hard

I've been labeled a hater from sea to shining sea, and frankly my dear, go fuck yourself. If I've said it once, I've said it several times a month since I was 10, Harry Potter is an embarrassment, and when my least valuable friends talk about the book or the movies or their own shameful dreams, this is what they all sound like.

P.S. Cue all the Dukies saying, "This is what UNC girls sound like all the time...lolz." Good joke guy.

Will The Worm Like Prison...or Love It?

Sports Illustrated Flamboyant former NBA star Dennis Rodman has been told he could face up to 20 days in jail unless he pays some $860,000 in child support. 

So, apparently Rodman's on his way to green mile because he and every other NBA player owes a gazillion in child support, blah, blah, blah. That really isn't the interesting part. What intrigues me is this farce of a defense he's putting up, pretending that 20 days in prison wouldn't be the most fun he's ever had. No one's going to pick a fight with a big'un with jagged 'bows and a knack for sack taps, first off. Plus, I gotta think there will probably be a pool going on whether the greatest rebounding tranny of all time actively wants to be someone's bitch or if he might just be straight enough to fake believable reluctance (but based on the Carmen Electra banging and being the commish of the Lingerie Football League, he's definitely not gay, just a weird as shit attention whore, right?) Which brings me to my next point, he was probably still relevant when half of these hoodlums were locked up, and you know he's been dying to be famous again (cue the E! reality show following his incarceration.) Who's better suited for Oz II than a HOF 6'6'' professional wrestler in a wedding dress? Probably most people, but fuck it, this'll be more entertaining.  


P.S. Did some research...pretty sure he might definitely be Bi. 


Disclaimer: I'm not implying that gay guys in prison have fun getting raped, just implying that Rodman might be a slutty dude with some pretty kinky fantasies. 

Revis Makes a Jerk of Himself

This pretty much sums up the differences between the Jets and the Pats. Gronk's basically our least savvy media personality--entertaining as hell, but gets filmed spinnin' his shirt round his head like a hellicoptah (read in Petey Pablo voice) after the Superbowl loss...not to mention he's probably hung over for this interview. Revis, on the other hand, isn't even in the Jets' top three "last fucking idiots I'd want talking about our rivals on Sportscenter" list, and he calls the greatest head coach to ever cut the sleeves off his hoodie a "jerk" and does it under his breath like a seven year-old that just got caught calling his little brother a cucka-face. Cut to Gronk giving the best answer to any question ever: "Tebow?" "Starting quarterback for the Jets." So far in The Dirty's head he can  Gronk-spike the kid's repressed memories if he wants to. Yo Soy Fiesta indeed.

P.S. By "greatest head coach to ever cut the sleeves off his hoodie," I obviously mean the greatest genius to participate in athletics of any kind since Einstein rode a bike.  

P.P.S. In the freeze frame opening to this clip, they both look like they're sitting at a kitchen counter across from Chris Hansen.

Truth

Seeing this just gives me flashbacks, flashbacks to a time when I believed in integrity, a time of innocence, a time before I read the label on a chip bag at some sticky picnic table. But now I know better. This little airbag affront to God and country isn't "for individual retail sale." Assholes pass them out as sides with hot dogs at Cape League games or clam shacks with little ankle-biters as their most common victims, and it's a fucking disgrace. Now you know. Honestly, they should give up on this little titty flick of a sham and just give that bitch a pickle spear, bitches love pickle spears.

P.S. I bet whoever made this video thinks they just put the nail in the Lays empire's coffin. Occupiers.

Luckiest MILF ever fake drives.

Ya....so...anyway...girl things and stuff...

P.S. This reminds me: worst Steak and BJ Day ever. The Number One Smoosh recently dumped my ass because the Olympian lightning bolts radiating from the tip of my dick were giving her headaches or whatever, so instead of enjoying the festivities as God intended, I ended up eating two McDoubles and workin' the bald man over to a Friends re-run. You know the fantasy--the Rachael and Monica threesome, either in their apartment or right at Central Perk, and if you have time, maybe Pheobe shows up for shits and giggs.

P.P.S. There's never enough time to get to Pheobe. I know it. Pheobe knows it. The Number One Smoosh knows it.

P.P.P.S. I'm probably going to regret this post when I call up the ex in a week begging her to take me back. The hard truth.

Top Secret Under 500 Swag, Courtesy of NYC

It's bad enough that you're the most talked-about sub-.500 team in the national media since the last NYC market sports franchise went under .500 (not the Mets...whatever they do isn't sport,) but whatever, the worst part is that these jabroni can't even make it through their own video without giggling at their criminally unfunny inside jokes like Seth Green watching an episode of Robot Chicken alone in Seth MacFarlane's basement. Reading? Do you even know what being an NBA player is all about? Gilbert Arenas is pulling guns on teammates in the locker room, Paul Pierce regularly throws up gang signs at either Al Horford or whoever stabbed him in the face this week, and Delonte West literally banged his teammate's mom, and you're going to read at them?

P.S. Too many 3 year-old NBA references for ya?

Charles Barkley Just Dropped the Pearl of the Tourney

"I don't even gotta look at this game. I can just look at the score and tell that this is gonna be a close game."

Midterm Swag

So much swag I can't even stand it. Classic spring semester midterm dilemma: one foot in the library, one foot in Panama City Beach, beats dropping like hurtlers at the Special Olympics. Play on playa.

P.S. Never been so sure that someone was listening to Skrillex in my life. At first it was like doop doop doop, but then it went all womp womp womp.

Merika's Hat Almost Ceases to Suck...Continues To

Sure, lose a bid for Lord Stanley's cup and Vancouver burns. Go straight Dillinger on my spank bank and not a torched cruiser in sight in the streets of Toronto. Get your priorities straight. You're killin' me Smalls.

Now It's the Weekend Bitches

Oh my!

P.S. Totally not gay.

Fake Life Rodent Masquerades As Mascot

So this is an opossum. Roadkill. Is this what we're doing now. Ya, I have a mascot that lives in my radiator, it's called a fucking mouse, and I live in fear. He lives in my home, and I live in fear. Not a mascot. The dumpster behind my building has a mascot too, it's a skunk and the reason why I throw my trash bags in from the balcony instead of walking down there. I'm also just jealous because he can snowboard better than I can.

P.S. I throw my trash off my balcony because I'm lazy. I know it. You know it. The dumpster mascot knows it.

Not My Usual Blog

I'm usually all for dogs. Team K-9 O.G. right here. Allergic to cats. Born hater. That being said, I legitimately can't do this. Like, I can't through pure athleticism replicate the feat that this animal just performed. So, I'm in a very strange place right now. Dog unlocks cage: great. Dog gets stuck in sweatshirt: adorable. Dog stands watch on owners grave: respect. Dog straight shows me up: watch yourself, Fido.

Wants VS Needs (I don't care that I stole this title from theChive)

I need food, water, and shelter. I want pussy, drugs, and money. I need at least a half dozen baby sonics in my mailbox by 10 AM yesterday. You have spikes and you squeak? And you're endearingly clumsy? Bro? Be my pet now.

Miranda Kerr Goes All 'Lost in Translation' On Our Asses

Given, Kerr's in my top five, easy, and she's in it hard. No amount of half gay babies can change that. But is it racist that I think a submissive, geisha-fied Kerr is in my top one? Hard.

P.S. This effectively makes every blogger that mocked Coors Iced Tea earlier this week gay. Sorry, but iced tea is so hot right now.

Shawshank: The Prequel

Respect.

Life Imitates MarioKart

Hours. Days. Honestly, weeks spent mastering the ins-and-outs of video game racing, and then your mom threw your cartridge into the trash because my your level of frustration was "unhealthy." Know what we call "frustration"  in the streets, ma? (and by "streets" I mean Rainbow Road.) Dedication. Passion. Power--the power to lose a trailer by running that bitch into a pole. Cuz at the end of the day, it's not about red shells, bananas, or bullets, it's about racing (and green shells are legit too.) Fuck what ya' heard.

P.S. Am I crazy to say that I kind of preferred "Diddy Kong Racing"? Less bullshit specials, hovercrafts, planes, and an Indian elephant genie. Boom. It's been said.

U!S!A!

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created blah blah. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. I have a dream. I like turtles. This is my list of all-star 'Merika quotes. Shattered. In a world dominated by GIFs and YouTube rants, the world's longest line of bikini-clad coeds flat out wins. For when Alexander looked back on his Empire, he wept, for there were no lands left to conquer, and he said, "FUCK YOU, bikinis right in your grill mix." Roasted.

Bro Tapes Worst Prank Ever.

Suitcase Hardo

Seriously, how much of a hardo move is it to carry around wheeled luggage like it's regular luggage? I travel light, so I have this tiny little suitcase that I never bother wheeling around, just carry it. I look like a douche, right? But is it a worse look for a grown man to wheel around a fucking backpack-sized suitcase? Should I shut up and buy a duffle bag?

Best Whatever This Is I've Seen All Day

First off, this is either fake or pillow fort bro over here is trippin balls pretty hard. For my purposes, I choose to believe this is real. And I'm kinda with him on this one. Yes, Pot and Kettle are from the same region, and they are a team, and they really shouldn't be bickering about who's blacker than who, because it's unprofessional and when it comes time to boil some water, I don't have time for it. But at the same time, Pot and Kettle are both black, and I'm not, so it's not my place to play the race card here. Black is their word. Now if Spoon walks over and starts tossin' the B word around, then ya, that's racist, case closed.

P.S. When are Germans allowed to call anyone racist. Like, is there a time line on this? I'm pretty sure they're kinda still in the doghouse on that one. Like, race card revoked kind of thing.

P.P.S. "Black" isn't racist, right?

Kid Is Done Learning

At this point, if there is a video of some little kid swearing, it's going to go viral, and I'm 1000% going to post it. Usually, a kid will accidentally say "fuck it," or that one girl will repeatedly threaten to kick that monster's ass, etc. But this kid changed the game up, and not only do I like it, but I respect the hell out of his dad for fostering it behind mommy's back while she's at Wholefoods or something buying the kid organic fruit snacks and in no way preparing him for life. I can literally hang out with my friends for an entire night and respond to all their jokes with "Fuck you...hahaha...pussy." Life of the party. Then say a fight breaks out, my buddies know I'll have their backs because I'll stand right up and tell whatever hardo starting problems that he's a pussy and can go fuck himself. That's being a good friend 101. Simple. What do you want: pussy. What do you say to someone standing between you and your pussy: fuck you. Good on ya, kid. What's more, I've lived this logic. A few summers back ,I was working on the Cape and would shoot the shit after work with a Bulgarian guy named Achka. We'd end up at these huge Bulgarian house parties or at some club that had been taken over by foreigners and the only things he ever taught me to say in Bulgarian were "cheers" and "good pussy." One of the best summers of my life.

P.S. I'm not going to attempt to type in Bulgarian, but I give you my word I can pronounce those two phrases and nothing else in perfect Bulgarian and hung out with people who spoke no English. If you don't believe me, vacuum.

Virus: The Part-Time Virus Hunter vs The Dark Genius

Open your eyes dammit! The part-time virus hunter is the dark genius. Boom. Done. You're welcome 1988. Look how far we've come. I know I get benign viruses on a regular basis, but that's not enough to stop me from downloading midget vs donkey porn all day...what's that? Guy dressed up like a pterodactyl fisting a nun? Click.

P.S. Just spelled "pterodactyl" on the second try. Fire.

P.P.S. How is "fisting" not a real word yet?

I Hate Joakim Noah

I fucking hate Joakim Noah. I hate the way he plays, the way he calls out the Celtics every time he loses like the NBA's bitchy answer to LT, his made-up, pseudo-Mexican highway bandit sounding name, the fact that his hair hasn't changed length since he was 18 so he obviously goes to a barber like twice a week so that he can look like he doesn't mind looking like homeless Jesus. And I hate that this is his anonymous side-piece while I'm sitting here sipping warm beer and creeping on OkCupid trying to play hide the bacon with whatever 6 is reckless enough to meet me in person. 

It's Not About Whether You Lin or Rooz, But How You Pray the Game

Sloppy.

Easiest. Joke. Ever.

Is it in yet?

That's right ladies, my turn.

I Have the Weirdest Boner Right Now

Ummm....thank you? I know how this happened. Imagine, if you will, Nicolas Cage sitting at the dinner table this Christmas across from  Francis Ford Coppola (his uncle) with nothing to throw in the ring against Godfather but a new Ghostrider coming out...cut to him sitting awake for about six nights straight trying to write his opus...cut to him giving up and Shatner-izing the shit out of a LMFAO song...cut to a blogger getting the world's most awkward half chub. What's that I smell? Fire.