Suitcase Hardo

Seriously, how much of a hardo move is it to carry around wheeled luggage like it's regular luggage? I travel light, so I have this tiny little suitcase that I never bother wheeling around, just carry it. I look like a douche, right? But is it a worse look for a grown man to wheel around a fucking backpack-sized suitcase? Should I shut up and buy a duffle bag?

Best Whatever This Is I've Seen All Day

First off, this is either fake or pillow fort bro over here is trippin balls pretty hard. For my purposes, I choose to believe this is real. And I'm kinda with him on this one. Yes, Pot and Kettle are from the same region, and they are a team, and they really shouldn't be bickering about who's blacker than who, because it's unprofessional and when it comes time to boil some water, I don't have time for it. But at the same time, Pot and Kettle are both black, and I'm not, so it's not my place to play the race card here. Black is their word. Now if Spoon walks over and starts tossin' the B word around, then ya, that's racist, case closed.

P.S. When are Germans allowed to call anyone racist. Like, is there a time line on this? I'm pretty sure they're kinda still in the doghouse on that one. Like, race card revoked kind of thing.

P.P.S. "Black" isn't racist, right?

Kid Is Done Learning

At this point, if there is a video of some little kid swearing, it's going to go viral, and I'm 1000% going to post it. Usually, a kid will accidentally say "fuck it," or that one girl will repeatedly threaten to kick that monster's ass, etc. But this kid changed the game up, and not only do I like it, but I respect the hell out of his dad for fostering it behind mommy's back while she's at Wholefoods or something buying the kid organic fruit snacks and in no way preparing him for life. I can literally hang out with my friends for an entire night and respond to all their jokes with "Fuck you...hahaha...pussy." Life of the party. Then say a fight breaks out, my buddies know I'll have their backs because I'll stand right up and tell whatever hardo starting problems that he's a pussy and can go fuck himself. That's being a good friend 101. Simple. What do you want: pussy. What do you say to someone standing between you and your pussy: fuck you. Good on ya, kid. What's more, I've lived this logic. A few summers back ,I was working on the Cape and would shoot the shit after work with a Bulgarian guy named Achka. We'd end up at these huge Bulgarian house parties or at some club that had been taken over by foreigners and the only things he ever taught me to say in Bulgarian were "cheers" and "good pussy." One of the best summers of my life.

P.S. I'm not going to attempt to type in Bulgarian, but I give you my word I can pronounce those two phrases and nothing else in perfect Bulgarian and hung out with people who spoke no English. If you don't believe me, vacuum.

Virus: The Part-Time Virus Hunter vs The Dark Genius

Open your eyes dammit! The part-time virus hunter is the dark genius. Boom. Done. You're welcome 1988. Look how far we've come. I know I get benign viruses on a regular basis, but that's not enough to stop me from downloading midget vs donkey porn all day...what's that? Guy dressed up like a pterodactyl fisting a nun? Click.

P.S. Just spelled "pterodactyl" on the second try. Fire.

P.P.S. How is "fisting" not a real word yet?

I Hate Joakim Noah

I fucking hate Joakim Noah. I hate the way he plays, the way he calls out the Celtics every time he loses like the NBA's bitchy answer to LT, his made-up, pseudo-Mexican highway bandit sounding name, the fact that his hair hasn't changed length since he was 18 so he obviously goes to a barber like twice a week so that he can look like he doesn't mind looking like homeless Jesus. And I hate that this is his anonymous side-piece while I'm sitting here sipping warm beer and creeping on OkCupid trying to play hide the bacon with whatever 6 is reckless enough to meet me in person. 

It's Not About Whether You Lin or Rooz, But How You Pray the Game

Sloppy.