I've been trolling the interwebs all day, and frankly there aren't any viral videos of mongoloids or foreigners that I can poke fun of in despicably poor taste...sooooo. Does anybody remember RollerJam on TNN, like ten years ago? Greatest thing ever. The "Bod Squad" just cat fighting on wheels, balloon tits popping out like a motherfucker, tickling my twelve year-old danglers, entertaining the nation. And get ready to have your mind blown: Tim "Big Nasty" Washington of the New York Enforcers, my team, used to be Titan from American Gladiators, and I'm 99% sure I saw him in the Indiana Jones show at Disney like circa '03. I'm just saying, bring that shit back. TNN is Spike TV now, so seems like a no-brainer. Love me some roller derby.
Since the Class of 2011 is being abruptly bent over by reality, here's a little nostalgia for ya. Straight 90's fire right in your face. Soak it in boys and girls. Some would say the greatest generation?
A good person genuinely cares about the wellbeing of others? Right? Okay, so maybe celebrities hopping on fad humanitarian bandwagons despite their contradictions have jaded me, but these people who capture and release wildlife are the same people who support Feed the Children and sang on We Are the World and shit right? And they probably defend the rights of native peoples too, the tribal considerations that allow for native Inuit to eat seals? Maybe? Probably? So Africans can eat seals too, I assume? But I was always taught as a child that if I threw out any food, I was wasting it, thus ensuring the deaths of starving kids in Africa. So...if we capture an edible animal, something we have a surplus of, shouldn't we send it to Africa so they can eat it? I mean, if I send them my leftover steak it's just going to spoil, but a live seal will be edible whenever they need it, right? Am I a bad person? Probably.
P.S. You're right, this seal is adorable, so fuck starving kids in Africa.
P.P.S. If you support any cause at all, you clearly can never yell at me about A) wasting food B) making fun of Native Americans (which I would obviously never dream of because they might conquer my civilization...oh wait) or C) capturing endangered species and FedEx-ing them to Uganda
Oh, I get it. It's funny 'cause it looks like a bike. I wonder if the guy in red is as entertained by Plaid Shirt Bro cupping his balls. Called you on it. 100% you're idea, and you know it. Plaid Shirt Bro, you sneaky slut, you. Oh well, you just do you, Plaid Shirt, just do you.
I try to be as American as possible. That being said, Russia is sneakily winning this whole Cold War thing, just taking it in the final minutes of the fourth right out from under our noses. Berlin Wall fell? Fair enough, but The Hoff crooning sweet nothings to a bunch of Deutschlanders all hopped up on Coca Cola and McDonald's doesn't win a war. Wars are won in the hearts and minds of the people, and in the strength of the generations they produce. I'm talking about my childhood. They don't make playground merry-go-rounds anymore. True story. They're dangerous, and they don't exist. Those man-powered iron Gravitrons fucking made my childhood, and they're a dying breed here in the land of lawsuits and little kiddies because it's dangerous to do amazing shit like my boys Vlad and Sergei over here, spinning around, tearing their legs off, having the time of their lives, being molded into men. Kids today never sense true fear at recess anymore, and if not there then where are they to learn how to, when necessary, be animals? Remember gripping that ancient iron handle for dear life, when once your legs gave out and kicked off the back, you knew you were done for, either you bail strategically to avoid crushing your skull on the base as you were flung off or you held on with every fiber of your being, hoping to just slam your knees a little and be dragged through the sand as the death-coaster came to a slow halt? Of fucking course you do. It's what made you who you are. Now, we've got the Ruscies over there training a generation of fearless killing machines while our little allergy-prone fairies learn about Dora the Fucking Explorer and aren't even allowed to climb jungle gyms. Game. Set. Match.
P.S. What's with all these allergy-prone kids? Do you think they sell glutton-free/dairy-free cookies at the bakery? No, kid, they fucking don't, you genetically vegan circus freak, so get out of line so I can order people food.
Fuck is this? What, this rotating, steel-toothed structure? Yeah, you want me to what? What happens if my pant leg gets caught in these razor sharp barbs on every step? Does it stop like an elevator does when it's about to close on someone? Nope. Shit tears your pants right off your body, possibly taking your daddy danglers with it. Yeah, I'll take the stairs. I'm with you, bro. I am fucking terrified of escalators, just a completely archaic death trap. I'm the guy firmly grasping both handles, not running up them like a flight of stairs like some maniac just begging to face-plant and have their tongue ripped out of their suck-hole by the this robotic stair-beast. And stepping off, most agonizing part of my day, always have to leap off, both feet clearing that vicious lip on the top before it can suck me in. Fuck escalators, I need the exercise anyway.
This kid is such a fucking BAMF I can't even stand it. "No more, no more." Nice try mom, but you can't keep your little girl safe from ballers like my boy over here forever, just tearing up second grade like you read about. Get it, kid. Welcome to manhood. Just give that bitch a high five, bitches love high fives.
Nothing like rollin out of bed and walking out the door to feel 70 degree weather in Boston. The smell of fresh cut grass, girls wearing sun dresses, sun on your skin. Makes you happy, nostalgic, and relaxed. It's about to be that special time, the days after classes and finals end, and before soul crushing 9-5 desk jockeying begins. Here're a few songs that capture that feeling, so put 'em on loud, sit on your porch or stoop, and pop a Corona and lime.
P.S. Once I figure out how to put a legit playlist in a post, which I have neither the patience nor desire to now, I'll update this thing.
What an asshole this guy is, right? Who videotapes themselves windsurfing? How does one go about videotaping such an event? And what kind of pretentious dick uses impeccable grammar in a blog post? I know surfers really look down on boogie boarders or whatever, but they can't respect wind surfers that much more, can they? Wind surfers suck, don't they? Honestly, this colossal disaster would seem more entertaining if I were positive that wind surfers could swim, but I'm not, which at once makes me kind of feel for that bro doing cartwheels over the Pacific while still despising Johnny Tsunami over here with the Flip Cam. Did they die? Am I sad?
