"The Deer Hunter 2"

Couldn't pay me to play this game. I am far too much of a pussy. But if you did pay me, I'd keep a straight face and maintain the suspense and drama of the scene and not fuck it up by giggling the way Jimmy Fallon ruined every decent SNL sketch that Will Ferrel ever let him be in. Man up.

World's Cutest Housekeepers Shoot the Shit When They Should Be Working

I'm fucking tired of this. The first two that the maid service sent over just kept squawking around, probably mocking my DVD collection and discussing which pills to jack out of my medicine cabinet. Unbelievable. So I call for replacements, and I get this shit. "Preferably younger" means two hot 18 year-olds that at least look good while they go all Telemundo all over my place, not two babies. Now, they're just standing around my kitchen, talking more gibberish. Learn the language assholes, and at least clean up the toys you brought with you.

Sneaky Bad Parenting

Oh, ROFLz, I totally taught my kid to love Kid Cudi, can't wait to plaster that all over the internet. Bad idea. You just trained your daughter to open wide and smile like a donut every time some asshole blasts a rap song in his car. I'm sure that'll start working out really well for her in about 14 years. When does R. Kelly get out, by the way?

100 Percent Not Real Life

There are two things that piss me off about this video. First, why isn't it snowing? This is a Christmas movie right? I hate having to acknowledge that parts of the country without seasons celebrate holidays. Second, what kinds of dick street performer turns down chicken? Not only that, who accepts a tip from two little kids, anyway. Have some self-respect. Maybe they figured that if they gave you money, you'd spend it all on crack, just like their parents always taught them, so they figured they'd help you out with a meal. Their parents also probably taught them that you'd like fried chicken for whatever reason. Just keep playing your sax and just be glad that you aren't sleeping in a real American city on Christmas, a city with snow.
P.S. You could learn something from this guy. Cue the Sexy Sax Man...

My Bad. But No, Not Really.

There is no way this was my fault. Who searches for "the lowerclassman?" And besides, your parents should be keeping a better eye on you. And what's all this shit about you feeling "funny inside" and "bad" because you read my blog. Fuck you. I know you're just telling the girl next door that "porn is bad" and that "objectifying the female form to the point of actually ejaculating onto someone's face is disgraceful" because you're trying to get it in, and I can respect that, we've all said things we didn't mean, but you are kind of hurting my feelings with this.
P.S. Perfect casting for "Lisa."

From Russia with Love

Apparently, this is a Russian wedding. What the fucking fuck, Batman? This reminds me of that time in high school when the two Downs' kids ran off and fucked in the bathroom stall. Shit got real. It was a legit scandal, but I like to think that this is how things worked out, just a crazy fucking bear-suit wedding, short-bus love story like you read about. Looks like they got the last laugh, though. I mean, they put all those railings in the handicapped stall for a reason, which explains the bathroom fucking, but if this is them, I still don't know what's up with the bears. I can't explain that shit.

Worst Porno Ever

This is the bullshit. Maybe it's me. Maybe years of hardcore atrocities that would make Dr. Mengele blush being spewed all up in the interwebs and labeled as porn have dulled my better judgment a bit, but this has to be the weakest porno I've ever seen. It's bad enough when the Japanese blur all the crotch shots beyond recognition, and I refuse to even waste my valuable time on that Skinemax shit with B-list starlettes dry humping all over the place, but now they're just marching this fully-clothed chub-monster on stage so she can get finger-blasted by an invisible deity while Jesse The Body Ventura narrates. Bam Bam Bam Bam. Finish Him (read in Mortal Kombat voice-over.)
P.S. Nice acting on her part kinda, although, I doubt the man upstairs really cares if you finish or not.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool/Number One Smoosh Trick

Nice try, asshole. Number one smoosh tried this same stunt while doing her chores: made me a sandwich, sat on it, got accidentally pleasured while I ate. Fool me once...but you taking a nap on the vacuum while it cleans is a fucking no-brainer, cat. Fuck you, you still aren't cool. Doesn't count if you love it, and you enjoy man-feastery the likes of which may never grace this plane existence again or you vacuum while having the time of your life: you just better serve me and hate it, no questions asked. So clean, and don't even pretend to like it, no joy rides on my watch. It is not enough for me to succeed, others must fail.

Sad, But I Still Fucking Love Japan

Stay on your toes, bro. You never know. I mean, one day, a fucking giant wave might come and wash away your entire world. I am sorry. Seriously, I hope you guys keep your fever, your joy for tom-foolery, because I straight can't spit intranet fire like you guys, so I better be able to mock you. I  might be done. I drive a Toyota, so you guys owe me. I'm practically one of you, so keep being fucking idiots, please. Japan is like a daughter. I guess I don't really care if you die or whatever, but if you are sticking around, I hope you live to produce profitable income for me in the form gem bits like this. Stay classy my friends.

Why Are They Rich?

I'm going to sound like a fucking loser, and I don't care any more than I did when I first became a fucking loser, so jokes on you, dad. But, what am I missing? Every Emo kid. Every Goth kid. Every Punk kid. Every Street Performer. They always have like ten quality wallet chains. I don't have a one. Know why? Unlike these apparent billionaires, I'm fucking broke. You steal my wallet, and you might find an Amex gift card with $3.17 left on it (a consolation present from my father upon my admittance on loser-dome, once loaded with $100), a BestBuy  rewards card, a picture of a 5'1" blonde with 34C tits and a size 0 waist (the number one smoosh, seriously), a cut-out pic of Tom Brady (seriously), and a card that says I need A-Positive blood in case of an accident despite my license which points out that I'm not an organ donor because I'm that much of an asshole (thanks, Red Cross). Apparently, Richie Rich up there is rollin' around wads of hundreds strapped to a stainless steel "Hot Topic" noose just throwing it in my face while I can't even afford a pair of "step-dad stompin' boots" from that place. I am such a fucking loser.

Baby Can't Dance For Shit

First off, babies go viral, and I'm not about to fall behind the curb. That being said, not to be a dick, but train your fucking baby or don't even show up for the show. So You Think You Can Dance? Nurp. Kid's weak like a "Manwich" at a chili cook-off. As a side note, I'm 99.99% sure a British nanny was convicted for pretty much exactly what you just did to your kid, so say, "Howdie" to mommy for me when she sees this video, dumbass, 'cuz junior's about three shakes away from given' her nothing but "durp, durp" and a head bob for the next eighteen years.  My favorite part of the video was when the beat went all, "Womp! Womp! Womp! Womp! Womp!"

Cat Hatin'

Alright, I know I hate on kitties quite a bit without any counter-evidence. Boom. This dog just lifted his biffle and replaced him in the cage so the boys in blue would peep none the wiser; case in point: dogs are kinda bro, and cats are kinda hipster. Right? I know a lot about hipsters because I'm drowning in them over in the English Department (hope they never catch on to the fact that I spend my free time peddling smut like 4Chan.org on a government holiday, well, maybe not that bad) and I promise you that cats are hipsters. Dogs bro out like motherfuckers, and I fucking love it. Every time I watch this video, I just see Red walkin' up to a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico and laughing his ass off, like "Bro, you're kinda my dawg right now." (If you didn't get that Shawshank reference, you might be a cat, but you've probably never heard it.)

WTF?

False. I have heard that Strawberries cure cancer and condoms give you lymphoma, point being that there's evidence of pretty much everything, but Ann Coulter is the second coming of Radio, but don't quote me on that because I think it's pronounced "retard," but I've only read about it. Really?  (again, watch the video assholes, I reference it in the post sometimes.)
P.S. Sometimes, I don't watch the videos.

Amerikuuuur

Boom. Roasted.

Fuck It.

Nice. That is all.

Holy Shit, It Might Be a Squirrel

"And then, I was like, 'Shit, bro,' and a squirrel was on me. 'It's not in any way dangerous, but fuck, I can afford better protection than this shit. If squirrels get this close, can you imagine what black people might do.'" Rough neighborhood.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

See: Nice Try, Miss. Seriously. But then I thought, maybe some girls just pretend to suck at things. If a cat can box dive, the number one smoosh can/wants to too, right? I am convinced that some girls actually try really hard  to suck at diving/ pretend they wouldn't be awesome at it, because the number one smoosh goes to an all-girls school, and she refuses to gutter stutter, and I can't figure out why. Take a hint from this ginger puss, and pile drive a smash box. I would say, "Boom. Roasted." But I'd rather say, "Boom. Triple Kiss your fucking friends already because I know you want to."

Rebecca Black Is So Hot Right Now

This is why 15 year-olds shouldn't go for joy rides when they're supposed to be in school. For shame. At least she chose the back seat, guess that little dilemma ended up being bigger than we thought, whether you're chillin' in the front seat or kickin' it in the back, shit gets real when you least expect it.
P.S. This is about how my bracket looks right now.

Today's Picks

First post of many throughout March Madness to leave everyone with some easy wins and potential longshots against Vegas.

The Fix is in....
on Richmond (+3) over Vandy today. Richmond is coming too hot and their rebounding will provide enough second chance point to pull out the W. Richmond led the conference in offensive and defensive field goal percentage as well as 3-point percentage. They are led by 2 senior first-team all-conference selections, forward Justin Harper and guard Kevin Anderson.

Missouri (+1) over Cinci. Missouri has a well balanced offense with five players, including four juniors, averaging double-digit scoring. Guard Marcus Denmon has led the way with 17.1 points per game. They are primed to make a run in the tourney and against an unimpressive Cinci team i think they pull it out.

Louisville (-10) over Morehead State. Louisville has the talent to make a run and give a very talented Kansas team a run for their money in a potential sweet 16 matchup. They are fast and force many turnovers. Predicting a blowout, Rick Pitino, enough said.

BEST BET: Though I like all these team but I'm saying best bet for the day is a 2 game teaser moving the lines to Louisville to -6 and Richmond to +7 for even odds on your money. Put 50 on it, game over.

Today's best longshot goes to Belmont over Wisconsin in a dangerous 4 vs 13 matchup. Belmont plays a style of offense that could exploit the slow methodical style of the Badgers. Belmont's risk-taking, in your face defense/offense should provide an interesting test in this trap game for the Badgers.

Creepy Cricket Fan Raped You, and It Will Happen Again

After watching this video, I started feeling those phantom cock itches you get after a one night stand, like no matter how many showers you take, you just don't feel clean for a few days. I know I probably don't have anything, but I swear I have bumps forming at the base of my smash shaft after Slumdog Crazy-Stare over here had his way with my gaze and left my mind just tattered and torn apart in some club bathroom while Ben Roethlisberger's bodyguards blocked the door. I need to get tested.

Sex

I'm just going to play this in the background while I masturbate to my friend's Spring Break albums on Facebook. Don't judge me. You're going to do it too. 

This Might Be Uncle Roy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Baby Needs To Stay Focused

I agree. Shit's hilarious. If you're putting your free throw up, and your Turkish center is sneezing his ass off because he's allergic to American cocaine (read: baby powder), no shit you're going to laugh, but stay focused bro, Paul still pulls it off. It's the cow. Smack that cow. Shit goes moo. Pull on the barn. Tug the pony. Back in my day, it was called "Bop It," and we didn't have ecological cues like barnyard stipulations, all instinct. Bop it. (Sneeze.) (Focus.) Pull it. Bop it. Twist it. Pull it. Stay focused. Fucking baby.

Nice Try, Miss

Ya, dunking is easy. All the ladies can do it. It's actually having to palm the ball on the way up that's the hard part. Nice try, though. Boom. Roasted.

Summing Up Vegas

So, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a picture complete with an original quote from the Vegas journey '11 is worth a couple of dimes, ballpark, so here it is. I rolled down the strip with  a crew consisting of Case Race, JLC, Griggles, and The Infection and we proceeded to change the game. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...but...someone won $800 playing zeros on roulette like a dick and proceeded to remind us all of it the whole time (The Infection)...someone was kicked out of two out of three clubs at The Palms...someone chugged a 48 oz pilsner full of Segram's Seven on the Rocks on a $20 bet (from a cop)...someone high-jacked some VIP wristbands so Griggles and JLC could go cover free for the week...someone, after telling a girl he was thirsty, was given a shot and proceeded to puke all over her room before walking away without ever speaking a word to her again...someone gave a girl a facial in the ladies room at Moon Bar...some people may have slept three bro's deep on a queen bed (no pun intended) when someone in particular got up, yelled "I have a boner," and ran into the closet (literally)...someone puked into the fountain at the Bellagio...someone pulled down someone's pants and threatened them at knife point (kinda sounds worse than it was out of context)...and the rest is pretty blurry. 

Vegas

Bout to go to Vegas for the week. The game's about to change, but the player's remain the same. Suck my dick assholes.
P.S. Swallow.
P.P.S. Sorry it's so salty. Sometimes our destinies choose us.

Brian Atene's Step-Brother Wants to Date You

This can't be real. But it is, and it's spectacular. What should I do? Be appealing? No. I'm going to love you violently like Charlie Sheen at a  warlock jet fighter orgy. Everyone's married, and this homeless cage fighter better be too, or else. Gob bless Amaeriker.

Another Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

Nice try, fag. But that's the worst part. This cat is seriously trying to be cool. "I can catch bro!" Fail. Easiest game to play with a dog? Catch. Hardest game to play with a cat? Living my life without instantly regretting buying a fucking cat because my pussy threatened to withhold blowjobs (see what I just did there?) The number one smoosh loves cats, but it will never happen and this is why. "But UG, they're so adorable...slurp slurp slurp." No. Cats suck dick. Hungrily. And, the bromos in this video couldn't get it in with a speedpass.
P.S. I apologize for the use of "fag." I clearly meant it literally, as in this particular feline is a weak individual with physical attributes reminiscent of a small branch or twig.
P.P.S. I'm allergic to cats.

Touche

He is more of a man than I will ever be.

Blah Blah Blah..."Cumshot?"

I understand one word in this video, and that's enough. Winning.

Really?

So my six fans are always like, "UG, make fun of the South. You're a racist fuck, and you hate on Japan too much," or, "Kid, leave Russia alone," or, "Fuck you, Bieber is God's answer to straight." So here it is. How fucking retarded can the south be (ya, you aren't capitalized because you are not a country because you lost) to not know what to do if a firetruck is behind them. Two questions? Did you set a cross on fire in order to scare cool people away? No. Do you want to get blamed for the cross that your cousin set on fire to scare cool people away? No. If you answered no, pull over to the right, and stop running away like OJ in a Bronco. That's what she said (see first 5 seconds of video.) (I know none of you watch the videos, just read the headlines and my comments, lazy fucks.) Only you can prevent inbred hicks from burning to death.

Best Movie Ever

Ya, I'm watching The Princess Bride right now. I'm hammered, and the number one smoosh already left for the night. I am alone watching the best movie ever. Wanna get laid? Next time a smoke tells you to get the fuck away from her, drop "As you wish." Only respectable comeback. If Jenna Mourey throws "the face" at you: "As you wish," back away, never turn your back. If all else fails, give her something shiny.

People Laugh at Hot Chick for No Reason

Don't get it. Chick's got moves I've only seen on the short bus, and I used to get it in on that motherfucker like Sheen at a BangBros casting call. Fire. I'd hit it 10 times out of forever.

This Has to Be Fake

This is fake. This has to be fake. I know for a fact that all girls are flexi-sexual (look it up). It is fake. It has to be, or I quit. They all had a top secret dirty Russian whore pillow fight immediately after this absurd video was made. Unless this is a video of my roommate Phillian dressed up as a female Russian civilian molesting unsuspecting law enforcement agents, which I doubt, I cannot accept it. That is all.

Behind the Scenes of Every Rap Video Ever

I cannot possibly express how much this made my day. You wanna make a good video, bro? Do what the Beastie Boys did, grab a fish-eye lens, and videotape yourself in the fucking woods. Gold. Or, here's an idea, you're a scrawny white rapper, you are supposed to be a satire of yourself, so why not make this same video next to your '98 Accord, that shit would at least get a chuckle (not as much as this gem, but with way less embarrassment.) I hope every rapper does this, because it's pathetic in the heart-warming way that only a douchebag's downfall can be. Obscure reference, but I grew up with this shit: remember back on The Real World: New Orleans, when the cast had to produce a public access show (The Real 7 on 77, I think) and in the intro, each cast member introduces himself, except David, an aspiring R&B singer, who decided to videotape himself next to Land Rovers that weren't his, while he pretended to unlock them in super slow-mo and his terrible R&B re-imagining of "Luck Be a Lady" played in the background. This of course started a whole controversy in the house about what an asshole he is, and ever since then, I've had a sneeking suspicion that all rap videos are exactly like that. Now, I know that they are. Fuck you, David.

P.S. The fact that the video groupie on the hood seems completely unaffected by this leads me to believe that I am 100% right on this. She's been in every video ever, and clearly knows the drill.

Editor's Note: People keep telling me that this video is fake because the rapper is white, as is the car owner. Fuck that. I stand by my thinly veiled Bostonian racism as well as my assertion that David was and is in fact an asshole. As for the "production value is too low for a real video" argument, you are a fucking mongoloid sea creature's masturbatory rag if you think that poor people don't make rap videos. (I am not actually racist, but you are. If I'm wrong, prove it. Owned.)

Yet Another Sheen Remix

I'm just going to blog every fucking Sheen remix I find. Straight fire, but I can't help but feel like this would be so much better if I was on some Sheen right now.

Spring Break Abs

Not gonna lie, this is roughly the shape I'm in. Except, instead of airsoft pellets, imagine popcorn kernels tumbling from my chin while I watch Hot Shots Part Deux on my Netflix at 2pm on a Tuesday while sipping skunked Busch and mumbling Sheen quotes to myself in between chews. Problem: I'm leaving for Vegas on Saturday for Spring Break, and this is the shit I'm packin'. Just a few weeks ago, Benny Blanco and me were all pumped to get P90X because Mike'n'Mike kinda talked us into it somehow (like we were going to have pornstars sipping Red Headed Sluts from our rippling abs), and then we just didn't do a fucking thing because we were busy mocking strangers on the internet and trolling YouJizz and Chatroulette simultaneously. And of course, my one roommate, Case Race, that's actually in shape refuses to be seen with me if a wear a t-shirt in the hot tub, well fuck you, bro, I don't wanna be seen next to you with my shirt off. Guess I'll have to settle for strippers doing lines off my cock.

P.S. I'm actually a stud, and everybody wants to fuck me, and my number one smoosh is like seven shades of smoke. Benny actually looks like shit though.

P.P.S. I'm actually repulsive and the only girl that will fuck me is my inexplicably hot girlfriend.

P.P.P.S. The only reason I'm sucking my girlfriend off so much in this blog is because I'm going to Vegas without her for spring break, and she's not happy about it.

I Love You LaShonda

Just a fair warning to everyone: I am doing this right now. Honestly, it's kind of a slow day around here, and this just seems like the kind of hood rat stuff that can turn an afternoon around. I just wanna spread the love. 

Best Picture

That is all.