Really?

I like the effort, but there's no need to drive the beer to me. You can just walk it across the street. That is all.

YouTube Cuts the Last Second from Every Video?

Did everyone else know about this? Because I didn't, and discovering that YouTube cuts the penultimate second from every video that I've ever seen just completely shattered my universe. Honestly, Vishnu could crawl up from the bowels of hell and reveal himself/herself/whatever as the one true God and I'd be less traumatized than I am by this. I want that last second of the midwestern shim pleading with the masses to leave brittany alone. I want one more second of chocolate rain. Numa Numa guy can never dance long enough. Give me my life back dammit.

P.S. Apparently if you embed the video, it plays the whole thing. So, whatever. I'm still pretty pissed. And if I have to sit through that 30 second Starbucks commercial one more time before watching Whip My Hair, I swear to Vishnu I'll completely transition from coffee to red bull.

School Closings

By far the most disappointing Google search result ever discovered following a promising punchline school name seen streaming across the school closings ticker during a snoloko newscast: "Little People's College"

--turns out it's just a preschool, back to the grad school search...if "Drunk Bitches University" is a kennel I'm going to fucking lose it

Internet Happiness to get you through the blizzard

So being snowed in all day was depressing as hell. Here are a few of my favorite things to help get you through the awfulness that is a New England winter.

This Song:


This Commercial:
(If it were Ray Ray or Paul Pierce instead of Kobe making the cameo this would be my favorite thing television has ever done.)


This Picture: (See our #1 spring break destination)























This Statistic:

319 passes attempted - 0 interceptions

Is the bus station the worst place in the world?

Seriously it might be. I feel like this is a stefan skit from snl. Standing in line with me here there is a white Forest Whitaker, homeless barbara walters, fat Arturo Gatti, homeless Colin Firth, burn victim Rihanna, no less than 6 registered sex offenders, homeless judi dench, a 6 year old Indian child ridin solo like jason derulo, and the chick in front of me just said, and I quote, "I'll be cot damned if my brother gonna get outta jail just to kill that bitch and go back in." But the worst of it all is that a bottled water here costs even more than at a bc dining hall. Cue DJ baby bok choy.

In Honor of National Sangria Day

In honor of National Sangria Day, here's a cheap, easy, pantie-dropping recipe. Andale, andale! Arriba, arriba!

P.S. Nice ride homez

Cramming Update

Been awake for 26 hours now. Final's done. Killed it. And now for the sweetest sound in the world: the faint spray of cracking open a lukewarm Keystone Light that I found untapped under my couch.

Take That Mike "I Play Like a Video Game" Vick

Dan Connolly's long of the day? 71 Yards
Mike Vick's long of the day? 35 Yards
...whose the ideal physical specimen now? Oh, still Vick? Yeah, you're probably right.

Hobo of the Year

This year's hobo of the year-

The Park Street T stop lady.

The Park Street T stop lady is a no brainer for the hobo of the year award. She's got so much working for her. The fedex envelope hat. The occasional inexplicable maracas. Having no residence to speak of. Screaming happy new year all year long. She's just got all the intangibles to be a leader in the field of homelessness. And you know this is her month. All summer I'd get off the T at 9:00 am and have her scream happy new year in my face and ask me for money. You know she's excited all december just waiting for the one time her exclamations will be relevant.

Cramming

I seem to recall a few P.S.A.'s back in high school claiming that "cramming" for an exam was a terrible idea. The best way to prepare, so the story goes, is to spend the days leading up to your exam in the library, get a full 8 hours of sleep the night before your test day, and wake up with a complete breakfast rich in fruits and grains. I'm pretty sure Tapanga struggled with this on a pivotal episode of "B.M.W.", and I know for a fact that Jessie had a bout with dietary supplement addiction while cramming for her finals on "Saved By the Bell." Well, I don't care. I'm cramming right now. If I have a final, you're damn right I'm staying up all night chugging 5 Hour Energy and Red Bull, and I'm gonna crush it in the morning. Works every time. I feel great.

Remix of the Day

Canadian "electrofunk" duo Chromeo remixed Vampire Weekend's "The Kids Don't Stand a Chance". Electrofunk is my new favorite word. Anyway, this is in honor of my last final tomorrow. The kid doesn't stand a chance.

This Is the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Seen

This is just creepy. I mean, that kid in the red is just standing there watching everybody, head bobbing like a loon while the rest of the kids at little Maria's sixth birthday are trying to have a good time. Get in it, kid. Everyone's daggering their brains out, feelin' it, and you're just gonna sit there and creep? It's like those thirty somethings that head over to college night at the bars and just sit there checking out my girlfriend while I grind her ass into a fine pulp on the dance floor. Either get in it, or get out. I hate creepers.

P.S. The fact that this lady is clearly forcing children to dagger each other like rap video groupies for her own entertainment is pretty creepy too. I think R.Kelly just blushed a bit.

Remix of the Day

British dubstep duo Nero just beat the shit out of Forever, and it's your inaugural remix of the day. I know that it's finals time for many of you, but for everyone partying here's a banger to get the asses shaking.

That's Enough...Seriously

            That’s enough “icing,” seriously. I’m sure you all know exactly what I’m talking about, but to maintain our journalistic integrity, here’s what I’m talking about: “icing” refers to the practice of presenting a friend or foe with an unopened bottle of Smirnoff Ice malted beverage and instructing the recipient to take a knee and consume said beverage in a single swig. It was actually kind of funny for a while, I must admit. Videos of unsuspecting “bros” being iced demonstrated a creativity and comedic timing not usually seen among the average bro. Bros were iced via elaborate pulley systems and remote controlled devices. One bro even found himself being iced by his bride at their wedding reception. That’s hilarious. Dads were iced at tailgates. Fine. But, as this semester comes to a close, that’s enough. It’s gone longer than it needs to. I don’t mind bros, I even hang out with a few, but I think even the most bro’d out frat guys have given up this foolishness. The only guys left icing their friends are half-wits who either simply copy a bit from an online icing video or giggle as they sneak up on a sleeping roommate. Not impressive. Not funny. Look, in twenty years, I’m definitely going to ice some old college buddies, probably in public. It’s going to kill. Everyone will start reminiscing about that semester in college when we all had to carry a defensive Smirnoff bottle to class. I’m going to be a hit, in twenty years, when I bring icing back. But as of right now, I’m killing it. The trend ends here. A friend of mine, a martyr, many would call him, was passed out on a couch in a Maryland frat house when, out of nowhere, some bro iced him. My friend refused the ice. And what happened? The bro cold-clocks him and fractures his eye socket. Are you kidding me? There is no “bro code” which binds all men to chug a malted beverage at any hour of the day. If somebody ices me, I’m not drinking it. I’ll just sip on my Jack Daniels and laugh in the bro’s face. Didn’t you read The Lowerclassman? Icing is no more.

            Look, I don’t mean to rant, but I am going to. I’m sitting here writing this article, and I just got iced. I finished it but only because this article hasn’t been published yet. That’s the last one. Seriously. And the flavors? Is it not bad enough to be ridiculed into finishing an original Smirnoff Ice? Green Apple? Raspberry? Stop. And it’s not funny to sneak up on some kid as he writes an article for his awesome blog and put a bottle on his desk. Bad form. That’s enough icing, seriously. 

Where Are We Going to Spring Break This Year?

Spring Break

            So, it’s about that time of year again—the end of first semester means it’s time to start planning your 2011 spring break. Since you’ve got no idea where to start, here are some suggestions: The Lowerclassman’s top ten spring breaks for 2011.

10. Las Vegas, NV

            How can Vegas, the country’s most iconic party destination, be bringing up the rear at number ten? Well, we’re frankly not fans of going on break anywhere that encourages dress code besides all bathing suits all the time. Beach trips allow for easy packing and easy relaxing and plenty of girl watching, and we just don’t see the need to pack up the suits and nightclub attire when you could just as easily pack some sun-block and board shorts and call it a day. Anything more than a carry-on is excessive. That being said, MTV will be in Vegas this year, which cements it as a destination for some of the hottest girls on the planet and plenty of free shows. If you go to a crazy party school and are looking for a change of pace, and don’t mind spending a bit, Vegas could be a nice option, an alternative to the run-of-the-mill spring break with MTV there to ensure you’re not the only spring-breakers on the scene. We think everybody should have a Vegas weekend, but we’re holding out for bachelor parties.

9. Panama City, FL

            For our next trip, the panhandle. Panama City is always Florida’s biggest spring break party. Why? One, it’s cheaper than other options.  Two, it’s close enough to attract the underclassmen saving the big trip for senior year (see top five) but also legendary enough to attract the upperclassmen looking for the classic break but not quite willing to shell out for the pricier Cancun excursion. PCB (Panama City Beach) has everything you expect from spring break: C list celebrities (reality TV stars and one-hit hip hop wonders from three years ago), packed beach-side saloons, hotels filled with your partying peers, and plenty of memories. We like PCB. Top ten is still top ten. Staying stateside has its advantages: no passport required, and no worrying about cartel kidnappings (read “Cancun”). But, if you are staying within our national borders, keep in mind that the drinking age is 21.

8. Negril, Jamaica

            Our first foreign destination on the list: the party capital of Jamaica. Jamaican weather is pretty much perfect, and the beaches are top-notch, but that goes for most of our destinations on this list. We’ve found that Jamaica has the reputation for basically having no enforced laws (don’t hold us to that) so we’re taking that as a plus and a negative. If you’re a Cheech and Chong fan, it’s probably a plus. If you’re looking for an island where you can explore the native culture and venture into the not-so-touristy areas, don’t go to Jamaica. Negril has been on the upswing in terms of spring break popularity for the last few years, so I’m sure a nice all-inclusive Jamaican resort break will meet all “best party ever” expectations with a few intangibles to boot: reggae, Jamaican food, Cool Runnings (everyone’s favorite Disney sports movie), and the opportunity to wear a “Jamaican Me Horny” t-shirt for a week straight.

7. Acapulco, Mexico

            Word on the street is that Acapulco has by far the best night-life in Mexico. Hands down. More clubs. The most clubs. All-you-can-drink covers. Fair enough, Acapulco, you’re on the list. In terms of beaches, the west coast of Senorita Mexico is a bit choppier than the east, great for surfing and fishing. But who wants to surf on spring break? We don’t, but you might. Consequently, the crowd here is going to be a bit more diverse that of other south of the border resorts. Fear not, bro, plenty of spring breakers invade Acapulco every year, but so do sports fishermen and vacationers driving down from Texas. Just saying. Acapulco is top-notch, don’t get us wrong. If you’re looking for the sophisticated Mexican destination (something closer to the urban nightlife that many may be used to), this is the way to go. Its night-life puts it on the list, but Mexico is Mexico, and (spoiler alert) being the second best Mexican spring break doesn’t break the top five. Being the best does.

6.   South Beach, Miami

            You know who has better nightlife than Acapulco? Miami. Pricier? Yes. Bit older crowd? Yes. We don’t care. It’s Miami. Did you see Jersey Shore Season 2 (we only watched it to research this article)? Miami looks amazing, and this year, it’s actually competing with PCB and Daytona (which didn’t make the list because it’s kind of a compromise between PCB and Miami) for spring break prowess. So, we’re calling it: Miami. It’s more expensive than PCB and less cliché, which may seem to actually be a downside when dreaming up classic spring breaks, but it’s Miami. Best club scene in the country. LeBron James and P. Diddy just cleaning up in that place every weekend. Are you kidding? And the beaches are gorgeous. If you’re willing to sacrifice a little cash and a little cliché trashiness for true “ballah” status (that’s right, we referenced both Diddy and James in a single word), take your talents to South Beach this Spring (one last LeBron reference for good measure.)

5. Amsterdam

            Relax. We realize a European Spring Break seems insanely expensive. And yes, this list is trending towards expensive trips. It’s not really, we promise. The top five run from “daddy please buy me another vacation” to “I’ve been paying my way through school for years and I finally saved enough for a break.”  But, more and more kids are ditching the beach for some pretty cool alternatives. If you liked the fact that you can easily find some “gange” in Negril, you’ll love Amsterdam. Amsterdam is also known for having some of the most laid back locals around, great culture, and an upbeat nightlife. Why not hit up the other side of the Atlantic for a week? It’s not there aren’t absurdly beautiful women in Amsterdam. It’s not like you can’t get hammered with your friends in Amsterdam. If you’re looking to go exotic: Amsterdam. Relax in a local “café” and stumble around the Red Light District until the sun comes up because, after all, the beaches will still be here when you get back.

 4. South Padre Island, Texas

            The top four are classic. South Padre has beaches, but they aren’t as nice as Mexico or Florida. South Padre has parties, but it doesn’t have as many as Mexico or Florida. That being said, it’s a good old-fashioned, American shit show. No bells. No whistles. C.T. of MTV’s The Real World has partied from coast to coast and hosted ridiculous spring break extravaganzas around the world, so we asked him where we should book our trip. His answer? South Padre, bro. That’s enough for us, but we’ll elaborate. Kids who go to South Padre go to South Padre to party harder than any of their lame-ass friends who fly down to the Mexican coast or to the Caribbean. South Padre kids party with a chip on their shoulder. On the island, you can order kegs to the beach, and they do. Kegs. On the beach. These kids are for real. Less parties? Fine. We’ll just party harder. Worse beaches? Fine. We’ll just bring kegs to them. For years, selfless spring breakers have poured their hearts, souls, and beers out to put S.P. on the map. Nice work, boys and girls, here it is.

3. Nassau, Bahamas

            Yet another flat-out spring break get-away: Nassau. We took care to put some alternative, less cliché breaks on the list, but no more. The top three are exactly the kind of places you think about when you think of spring break. They aren’t cheap, state-side alternatives. They aren’t sophisticated or cultured. All three, lead off by the Bahamas, are beachside booze-fests. Nassau offers some nice all-inclusive resort options along with a fairly vibrant urban club scene. It’s a good time. During the day, the beaches are fantastic, and drunk snorkeling, while ill-advised, is hilarious. The locals have great island accents and are used to catering to tourists, especially spring breakers. If you’re not in the mood to simply nurse a hangover on the beach throughout the afternoon, the islands have plenty of booze cruises featuring all-you-can-drink cocktails and some of the best day-time dancing anywhere. A classic spring break.

2. Cancun, Mexico

            This was a tough one. Everybody has Cancun as their top pick. We don’t care. We have it at two. Cancun has amazing beaches, sure. Cancun has amazing spring break parties, sure. Cancun is always packed with crazy kids and topless strangers, sure. We could write for pages about why Cancun is the world’s greatest spring break destination. Just in writing this article, we accidently wrote “Cancun” seven times while trying to type “spring break.” We still don’t care. We aren’t going to Cancun because everyone always goes to Cancun, and that’s boring. And what’s more, we aren’t sure that we’re capable of avoiding tap water for a week. And what were there, like a million spring breakers kidnapped or assaulted by crazed drug mules last spring? Not happening. Cancun is the place for spring break. We wish it wasn’t in Mexico. That’s enough to put it at number two. Still a great option.

1.      Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

Yup. Punta Cana. Why? Check out the above listed destinations. The D.R. has world class beaches that can easily compete with any other paradise. The locals are not only friendlier than those you’ll find in Cancun, but better looking. Vegas? Try the Hard Rock casino in Punta Cana. Boom. A little pricier? Barely. The parties are as good if not better than what you’ll find anywhere else, and the slightly elevated price tag and slightly classier reputation keeps out the riff raff you might find at a more conventional hot spot. Plus, we’ve asked around. Punta Cana is going to be ridiculous this year. We’ll be in Punta Cana this Spring. See you there.