Friday, January 21, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Hottest Women From Before We Were Born
This is the first post of the most depressing segment I've ever thought of, the hottest women of all time that have already spent there given time on this earth, before we ever crawled out of our mothers and opened our eyes to see them. AKA the women I would give my left arm, leg, and nut for a time-traveling delorean for. I figure its only right to start with the hottest woman of all pre-BennyBlanco time, Dorothy Dandridge. Number one on my all-time list. She is most notably known as both one of the first African American female celebrities in United States history, and for her role in helping push forward the civil rights movement, and also for being the only good thing to ever come out of the god forsaken wasteland known as Cleveland, Ohio. Imagine Halle Barry, Natalie Portman, and Jessica Alba all rolled in to one. Yeah, what you're imagining was a real girl at one time. But she died before you were born. I do this not to depress endless generations of twenty-something men, but to inspire the invention of time travel. Because if this doesn't provide the proper motivation, nothing will.
Friday, January 14, 2011
How is no one buying this ferris bueller house?
The 57-year-old midcentury modern home at 370 Beech Street in Highland Park, Illinois. is instantly recognizable to many 1980s survivors and fans of John Hughes movies as Cameron's house from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." By now, it's also known from popping up in the media, as it's been on the market for over a year. But this 4-bedroom, 4-bath home has been notable since long before the '80s. Designed in 1953 by A. James Speyer and David Haid, the house is now heralded as "architecturally significant." With this significance, and the added cultural cachet of being featured in the movie, comes a price tag: the house is currently listed at a reduced price of $1,650,000. So how's that market for designer midcentury homes looking lately? -CNBC.com
How the fuck is no one buying this house? I understand there is an economic crisis going on, but come on. It's the god damned Ferris Bueller house. Or Cameron Frye house to be exact. The one that he kicks the Ferrari out of with all his suppressed anger. I know there's still rich people out there, and it is ruining my confidence in capitalism that not one rich fuck has bought this house. If I was rich not only would I have already bought this house straight cash homey, I would have bought A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte so fast your head would spin. Then I would probably buy an authentic throwback Gordie Howe jersey and just stare at that little pointillist chick while listening to the dream academy remix of "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" until I have some sort of grand epiphany. Maybe make out with Mia Sara on a bench.
(play this song and stare at the little girl in the center of the painting. Preferably while wearing a Gordie Howe jersey.)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Best/Worst Movie Robots
The Best/Worst
5. Paulie's Robot (Rocky IV)
Why it's awesome: Designed to do nothing but bring you birthday cake and beer, and play 80s music out of it's giant Stewie Griffin head.
Why it blows: I'm pretty sure it got banged by Paulie. And it's definitely not designed for that.
3. Evil Bill & Ted (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)
Why they're awesome: Out of all the robots on this list, they actually (shockingly) come the closest to accomplishing a goal for which they were constructed.
Why they blow: Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter still defeat them in a bullshit move involving cheating in a game of checkers and coleco electric football with death a la The Seventh Seal, making them also (and shockingly) the second least plausible characters in the list.
2. HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)
Why it's awesome: "the 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error."
Why it blows: It's about as capable of error as Nick Nolte. And it's a huge dick about it.
1. The Terminator series 800 model 101 (Terminator Franchise)
Why it's awesome: The most badass killing machine of all time. It's designed to look like a human to infiltrate human societies and kill everyone.
Why it blows: It's designed to look like a 300 lb Austrian bodybuilder dressed like a gay hell's angel. I would be 1000% less alarmed if a metal robot were trying to infiltrate my society.
Honorable Mentions: Johnny 5 from Short circuit, Kevin Costner in all his movies, The terrifying robot chick from Metropolis, and the gayest robot ever C3PO.
The Best: Optimus Prime (Transformers)
He's a mack truck and a rock 'em sock 'em robot in one. I legit listed that as my number one career option in kindergarten. He's like what would come out of jessica alba if chuck norris impregnated her. And that would be the third most powerful baby ever, behind Benjamin Brady and John Edward Thomas Moynahan.
The Worst: Viper Probe Droid (star wars)
Remember those stupid things darth vader sent out to find luke skywalker in the Empire Strikes back? What was his game plan there? Send out infity robots randomly into the universe and eventually one's gotta land right the fuck next to luke sywalker? and then one fucking does? Right fucking next to him and the abominable snow man? And the fucking thing looks like Jeff Goldbloom about 4/5 of the way through The Fly. Fuck you george lucas, thats less plausable than two robots looking exactly like stoners from San Dimas going back in time to sabatoge the Wyld Stallyns in a high school battle of the bands. Thank god its got all those incredibly useful little t-rex arms though. Its like a swiss army knife where every attachment is tweezers.
5. Paulie's Robot (Rocky IV)
Why it's awesome: Designed to do nothing but bring you birthday cake and beer, and play 80s music out of it's giant Stewie Griffin head.
Why it blows: I'm pretty sure it got banged by Paulie. And it's definitely not designed for that.
4: Johnny Cab (Total Recall)
Why it's awesome: Safer than any human cab driver in the city right now
Why it blows: Spontaneously combusts at random times, drives like he's in a street race with Charles Barkley Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan, and is designed to run down passengers who can't pay. So just slightly safer than the human cab drivers in the city right now.
3. Evil Bill & Ted (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)
Why they're awesome: Out of all the robots on this list, they actually (shockingly) come the closest to accomplishing a goal for which they were constructed.
Why they blow: Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter still defeat them in a bullshit move involving cheating in a game of checkers and coleco electric football with death a la The Seventh Seal, making them also (and shockingly) the second least plausible characters in the list.
2. HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)
Why it's awesome: "the 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error."
Why it blows: It's about as capable of error as Nick Nolte. And it's a huge dick about it.
1. The Terminator series 800 model 101 (Terminator Franchise)
Why it's awesome: The most badass killing machine of all time. It's designed to look like a human to infiltrate human societies and kill everyone.
Why it blows: It's designed to look like a 300 lb Austrian bodybuilder dressed like a gay hell's angel. I would be 1000% less alarmed if a metal robot were trying to infiltrate my society.
Honorable Mentions: Johnny 5 from Short circuit, Kevin Costner in all his movies, The terrifying robot chick from Metropolis, and the gayest robot ever C3PO.
The Best: Optimus Prime (Transformers)
He's a mack truck and a rock 'em sock 'em robot in one. I legit listed that as my number one career option in kindergarten. He's like what would come out of jessica alba if chuck norris impregnated her. And that would be the third most powerful baby ever, behind Benjamin Brady and John Edward Thomas Moynahan.
The Worst: Viper Probe Droid (star wars)
Remember those stupid things darth vader sent out to find luke skywalker in the Empire Strikes back? What was his game plan there? Send out infity robots randomly into the universe and eventually one's gotta land right the fuck next to luke sywalker? and then one fucking does? Right fucking next to him and the abominable snow man? And the fucking thing looks like Jeff Goldbloom about 4/5 of the way through The Fly. Fuck you george lucas, thats less plausable than two robots looking exactly like stoners from San Dimas going back in time to sabatoge the Wyld Stallyns in a high school battle of the bands. Thank god its got all those incredibly useful little t-rex arms though. Its like a swiss army knife where every attachment is tweezers.
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