Big Baby Goes Straight Everyman On Your Ass

You know what? What am I going to do? FU Baby, I would dunk all over your ass. 'Cept I wouldn't. Far too pale and far too drunk. Actually, thanks. Pretty sure I got a blow job tonight because I dropped the line, "Know what? Even I can touch the rim," at a sports bar, and she pretty much can't argue the fact that that makes me the most athletic 5'8'' WOP in Boston. So thanks, baby big man. We can't jump either.

P.S. Totally can't touch the rim anymore. Could when I was like seventeen. I can barely do that whole jump and hit the door frame thing that all the tall asshole jocks pulled off in fifth grade so they could get HJ's from the poor/necessarily sluttier girls back in the day. I can't be the only kid who remembers that. I might be the only kid who's still bitter. Actually why I strove for the rim in the first place. Totally hit it that one time though.

P.P.S. Fuck you Zack, you door frame hitting, fifth grade asshole. Baby and I will rock your shit anytime, anywhere.