What the fuck, birds?

What the fuck is with birds? Every night lately around my apartment building the little fuckers have started their chirping by 3:00 am. Is that normal? Granted the light pollution around here is so horrible I can read the fine print of my health insurance plan with the lights out at midnight, but have they no sense at all of an appropriate time to wake up? They have no jobs to get to. Transit workers don't even roll out of bed in this town until 6.

Even if they somehow need to wake up at this hour, why announce it to the world? Birds are that douchebag roommate some kids got stuck with freshman year who does ROTC and pops out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to do push ups which he counts off loudly. Just shut the fuck up. When I wake up 30 minutes before the start of my first class everyday I don't say shit to anybody. I pound gatorade, shower, brush my teeth, and head out on my way to being 5-10 minutes late to class. A roommate is lucky to get a 'whats up' and head nod if we cross paths, and thats how it should be, because everyone hates everyone in the morning.

But birds have to be the "morning person". That one person everyone hates the most, who's able to look decent and act cheerful before they have any right to. Birds are the morningiest person in the world. I can hear them as I write this, and I swear thats not some complex form of communication. There's no society. They're all doing their own little bird thing at the top of their lungs. It's all bird for "What the fuck's up world! I'm awake as shit! I'm fuckin amped as busta rhymes in those old mountain dew commercials! Time to suck today's dick!"

Fuck you birds, I don't even know what you do here.

Cougar Tries to Pass Off Bondage Toy as Exercise Equipment

Pavarotti blasting in the background really adds to the intimacy. I think Victoria Looseleaf and I actually climaxed at the same time...about the 2:15 mark. The Facial Flex is so hot right now.

One More for the Boys in Black: B's vs. Les Habitants

Let's get it done at home boys.

UPDATE: 

They See Me Rollin'

They hatin'. Whoever is videotaping this boss lady doin' her dirt like a real O.G. is straight hatin.' That being said, this has to be the hoodest thing that I have ever seen. Hasn't she seen the Hover-Round commercials: "With help from Medicare and your insurance, your Hover-Round can be delivered to your door at no cost to you." Yo, Barack-A-Flocka-Flame, get this lady a Hover-Round. Oh well, haters gonna hate, Slater's gonna Slate.

P.S. What are the chances that both her and Robo-Cop are from Detroit? I'm goin' with high.

How Not To Cast A Mascot

Did everyone's elementary school have a mascot? I know most of you had one in high school, but the first idiot I had to look over to see the game showed up in college. Did anyone even have teams in elementary school? K-12 maybe? Anyway, the point is, this is just a classic case of poor casting. The mascot should always be a student...a small student, easily lifted and surfed over the crowd, easily toppled in any accidental play without any risk of injury to the athletes, maybe even easily topping a cheerleader pyramid. That's what mascots do. Elementary school mascot: throw a seven year old in that lion costume, and call it a day. Shit would be hilarious. Plus, the marketing writes its self. Ever heard of a little indie film called Lion King? Boom. Simba. Kids love that tiny lion. You're welcome. If only you had come to me sooner, little Billy's arm might still be in one piece. 

This Is Useless...I Want It

First, let me get the obligatory pop-culture reference out of the way: yes, Adam Jay is definitely Steve from 90210's creepy uncle. Fair enough. But, Uncle Adam, I am behind your product 100%. I've made it abundantly clear on this blog that I am always in favor of doing less, and yes, standing counts as doing. How overcome by jealous rage are you going to be the next time we're waiting in line at a bar, and I just whip this gem out of my cargo pants, take a seat, and start tossing back nips of Mr. Daniels like you read about? Green my friend. Fucking green with envy.

P.S. I don't actually own cargo pants anymore, so I'll probably just have Number One Smoosh carry my Pocket Chair around in her purse...she can stand. Bitches love standing.

P.P.S. Pretty mullet heavy blog today...perfect for the playoffs, eh?

Happy Earth Day

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
"GO PLANET!"
We're all Planeteers today. "The power is yours."

P.S. If you don't get this amazing 90's reference, we cannot be friends. That is all.

If I Told You "Argument Over," Would You Hold It Against Me?

Not that anyone gives a fuck, but I've been locked in a debate for a few weeks now with a group of mongoloids including but not limited to Griggles and Phillian over which is the better "not-quite-straight song you wish you didn't love but you totally do" club banger, Gaga's Born This Way or B-Spears' Hold It Against Me. Game. Set. Match. It's Britney, bitch. Know how I was born? American. And although it's hard to say which irks Osama more, blatant female sexuality or gay dudes, I'm pretty sure our boys over there pumping rounds all up in his grill mix break the tie. Britney's just fighting terrorism like a motherfucker.

P.S. I could make the obvious joke about the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," but I like to think I'm a little better than that.

Judges Rig Talent Show

Skip to about the one minute mark, that's when the black or white shit hits the fan. I don't know who this kid is, and it doesn't matter, the fact is, this is apparently not his track. Does he suck? Yup. Was he trying to sing Black or White or whatever the the name of the song is that I'm too lazy to Wikipedia? Yup. Is the chorus on whatever wringer track the judges are trying to fuck him over with "It doesn't matter if you're black or white...?" Yup. Is this probably his track? Yup. That doesn't matter, none of it does, because it's not his track. Bullshit. The man strikes again.Attica! Attica!

Get Me This Goldfish

Pokemon are real. That being said, catching a Magikarp is JV shit. I'd say it took about a whole 3 seconds of casting before that little [ ! ] popped up above my head and what-a-ya-know, "A WILD MAGIKARP APPEARS!" The hardest part about catching this mofo is trying not to faint it before using your Pokeball. But whatever, this lady's prowess as a Poketrainer isn't really the issue here. Since when can you just catch goldfish in the U.S.? Is this real? The last time I caught a goldfish I was tossing a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl at the county fair (won a new fish every fucking year, like a boss, 'cuz all I do is make cups.) Anyway, is this where they go when we flush them, just playing possum like you read about so they can escape into the wild and grow into uber-fish? Shit is real.

UPDATE:


Scratch that...get me this tiger/wolf pack combo because I'm breeding this shit into an Arcanine that's going to fucking own that Magikarp. I know your all "But UG that's a water-type versus a fire-type, and when that Magikarp evolves into a Gyrados, you're gonna be sorry." Well, don't be such a little bitch, Arcanine is kinda my boy, and relax bro, it's pokemon.

P.S. Anyone notice that this second video is presented by Responsible Exotic Animal Ownership? There is nothing "responsible" about hosting a fucking tiger vs. wolf pack party on your front lawn., let alone owning a Hummer, but what it is is so awesomely irresponsible and unnecessary I can taste it, and I want it, I want it bad. Just own it, you tiger-training king of kings. Be yourself...a dangerously irresponsible hero, and possibly the greatest Pokemaster the world has ever known.

P.P.S. Mike Vick is 100% drooling over this action, so who ya got? I'm talkin' Wolf pack vs. Tiger, not Arcanine vs. Magikarp, get real.

Pop Quiz of the Day

Who is the wealthiest person in the photo?

(extra points if you can list them in order)

A- Larry David (producer, co-creator)

B- Jerry Seinfeld (co-creator, self-titled character)

C-Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer, racist)

D- Julia Louis Dreyfus (Elaine Benes)

E- Jason Alexander (George Costanza)

What Do You Think?

Asian vs Hispanic. Which one is he?

Asian Toddler

vs.

Early 30's Hispanic Comedian

This has been bothering me for a while, so I don't care how old this movie is...what do you think? I honestly have no idea. He's in Boy Scouts, so he's probably young, but he's not horrified of Ed Asner, so he can't be young. He's funny, so he can't be Gabriel Iglesias, but he's fat, so he can't be Asian. I'm lost.

Editor's Note: Benny, this quandary is old as shit, but I'm going to leave the post up and answer your question. He's the illegitimate love child of Tiger Woods and Rosie Perez, raised by Sal, Rosie's neighbor from the hood in Do the Right Thing, as a favor to Spike Lee (who wouldn't allow the bastard son of a Swiss Nanny marrying Uncle Tom in his home) to make amends for the untimely death of Radio Raheem and to deter any further vandalism to his recently renovated pizza shop, although being raised in a pizza shop has led to morbid obesity. The boy was heavily influenced by the Korean grocers across the street who, recognizing the boy's obvious Asian ancestry, took it upon themselves to teach him the stringent work ethic and perseverance of his people which then of course led him to excel in the Boy Scouts. Additionally, his time roaming the neighborhood picking up Miller High Life's at the Korean grocery for The Mayor lead to his courage in the face of senility. Too many references. I'm dizzy.

Who Ya Got?

vs.

Tale of the Tape

Name: --------------Most Interesting Man in the World------ Keith Stone

Birth Place: ---------Latin America------------------------- Middle America

Age: ---------------- Old--------------------------------- Too old for the grade he's in.

Reach: ------------- 67" ---------------------------------- For another stone.

Always drink beer? No --------------------------------- Yes

When he does? ---- Dos Equis--------------------------- Treinta Keystones

Music: ------------ Classical/Tango------------------------- Lynyrd Skynyrd

Clothing: -----------Classy------------------------------ Lynyrd Skynyrd

Food: ------------- Fillet Mignon------------------ Whatever Macho Man Randy Savage eats.*

'Merica?----------- Nope-------------------------------- Fuck yeah!

Winner: Stone. Keith Stone.

P.S. I was gonna do a "Who Ya Got?" Pacquiao vs. Mosley. But come on. I'm just gonna make it a "Who Ya Got?" Pacquiao vs. whatever chump they get to step up after Mosley if the sport of boxing still exists a few months from now. The latter being the only part up for debate anymore.

P.P.S.

Hardest Elbow to the Face Ever?

After that last post, I had to throw out a quick NBA elbow throwback. I could not believe it when I saw this live. I was actually legitimately worried. I love Big Baby. We share a special kinship. The kinship of idiots who have broken their hands punching a close friend in the head. I wish that were a joke. So without further ado, Big Baby gettin' KTFO'd by the foulingest dude in the league. At least Baby tried to get up, lookin' at you Hansbro.

Editor's Note: True story...Benny Blanco broke his hand punching The Infection in the head after an argument over who was the better high school wrestler. Fucking idiots I spend my time with.

So Tyler Hansbrough's Ear is Blue Tonight

So Hansbrough got elbowed the cluck out last game. I didnt think the hit looked that hard, but he went down. Now, his ear is straight up blue like I've never seen. His ear's gonna end up looking cauliflowered up like a UFC fighter's.

Here's last game's hit:

Now here's the actual last game's hit:

So which hurt him worse last game, the ear-bow, or the pacers last minute lead blow?

What?

This shit blew my mind. Toronto has a basketball team now? D-League? And they can afford a mascot?

P.S. My money has a chick in that costume.

Candy

I know what you're thinking. This fucking psycho just destroyed his entire kitchen because he couldn't find his candy. Fair enough. But read between the lines. He had put his candy in the freezer. I do the same thing. People who freeze their candy like their candy frozen, so who the fuck put his candy on the counter? I'm looking at you camera man. "I'll take my dad's candy out of the freezer and put it on the counter so it's all meltie and then videotape his reaction and post it on YouTube, lolz." Well this is what happens. Get a job asshole.

Get It!

This nine year-old girl is officially stronger than your boy UG, I think. I'm not sure because I haven't squatted anything besides a shit in the woods since I was fifteen. I'm cool with it though. 187 just seems like extra to me, right? I refuse to fuck anything over a buck twenty anyway, so why bother lifting anything that heavy? Good for this kid though, I guess. I mean, nobody will ever be able to force themselves on her at a frat party, so that's a win, but nobody will ever want to and she probably won't be invited either, and that's a fact.

Flawless Victory

My boy here just pocketing pens like a motherfucker. Like I always say, diversion has everything to do with the perfect heist. Kansas City Shuffle. They look right, you go left. Nice pen, bro, wanna sign a treaty or something? Yup. Next thing you know, boom. Gaffles.

P.S. Am I the only one who knows about gaffles? Started back in high school, and no one in college seems to be in on it. Basically, you can take shit from your friends as long as they're there when you do it and you call gaffles on it. Example: you're buddy's eating a sandwich and has some fries on the side..."Gaffles!" You snag a fry. That's it. Next time you've got a surplus of shit he might gaffle you back. Just never gaffle anything too costly and try to respect the gaffle (don't go gaffling shit all over the place.)

P.P.S. No gaffling booze, people, or girls.

Um...You Got a Tree In Your Face

So, not really sure how to approach this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. You got a tree in your face, bro.

Story of My Life, Bro

When was the last time I shit myself in Vegas? Roughly March 10th, if I remember correctly, which I'm not sure I do.

Pedro?

MLBTradeRumors -Free-agent pitcher Pedro Martinez is waiting for a call to help a team win a World Series, writes Joe Brescia of the New York Times.  The 39-year-old says that he could get himself into playing shape rather quickly.

"I’m in shape right now and I’m training and I’m playing catch, so getting to full strength would probably take me a month, month and a half, to be on a mound," said the eight-time All-Star.

Martnez was asked if he would choose the Yankees, BoSox, or Phillies if all three teams called and offered the same salary.  The vet said that he would probably choose Boston, so that he could retire and enter the Hall of Fame with the same hat.  He would consider the Phillies though as he would like to win a championship in the National League.

The right-hander last pitched in 2009 for the Phillies, posting a 3.63 ERA with 7.5 K/9 and 1.6 BB/9 in nine starts.

I'm going to go ahead and be the first to say this should just happen. Bring my boy back. 

That's Enough...Seriously

That's enough Inception referencing...seriously. The interwebs are getting saturated with these stupid little Inception jokes. Except they're not jokes, and they're fucking stupid. An egg inside another egg: Eggception. A trashcan inside another trashcan: Binception. A sandwich inside another sandwich: Hamception. That's a fucking nuff.
P.S. Putting a sandwich inside your sandwich completely throws off your bread/meat ratio; not only is that not funny, it's irresponsible and frankly pretty reckless.
P.P.S. What do you call a dick sheath inside another dick sheath? Contraception. Boom. Roasted. Last one...seriously.

Case Race with CaseRace

Tonight, CaseRace, JLC, and myself will compete in a case race. "But who do we root for?" you may ask. America. Root for America. Because we are taking on six bros from the fencing team, a team of which Phillian, our supposed friend, is a member. So who do you root for? Three blue-blooded American alcoholics, or six foil-flipping fencing fairies? We're funneling the first round and giving ourselves a 20 minute personal limit just to make it interesting. I'll be seeing you again, this side or the other. 

UPDATE: Victory...kind of. The fencers didn't compete against us, so we competed against the only truly worthy adversary: ourselves. 

P.S. JLC texted me at 9am informing me that he had just woken up in a cemetery. 

Dog on Dog Violence, Butler Wins

VS

Classic case of "Fuck my bracket, my baby cousin picks teams based on mascots and beats me eight times out of ten." I actually had UConn in the final. And I actually lost money on Butler because I had VCU getting 2.5. That being said, fuck it. I'm picking based on mascots, and it's actually a tough pick. Since Snow Dogs sucks and Ms. Beefy and Mr. Meaty from Fantasy Factory are the greatest 1-2 K-9 punch since Shadow and Chance in Homeward Bound, I gotta go Butler here, Bulldogs over Huskies, not a KO but definitely on points. If I weren't a broken and defeated man, I would pick based on actual sports knowledge and say that  Uconn's defense keeps Butler in check and Kemba's play-making gets it done late. 

UPDATE: Game just ended...so I was actually right. Fuck my baby cousin. 

More Evidence That Dogs Are The Tits

Cats hate people. FACT. Dogs love everyone. FACT. I am going to be a shitty father. FACT. If I leave a cat to watch my kids, best case scenario: the cats at least kill them quickly before they start eating them. If I leave my kids with this guy: he plays one of the top five kids boardgames of all time, and he probably even let's them win. Done and done. He probably even has a cold beer waiting for me when I stumble back in at 3am.

Beautiful Women From Before We Were Born

Lauren Bacall. Watch The Big Sleep. Written by William Faulkner. Starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. No, for real, stop reading and watch the movie now. Then read the wikipedia entry and watch it again so you can understand the needlessly circuitous plot. What do you want, it's Faulkner. But try not to fall in love with Bacall when you watch it. I dare you. I defy you.

Now don't forget, the "beautiful women from before we were born" segment is also soul crushingly depressing. Any "Sopranos" fans? Well, you might recognize this woman. No, thats not the eponymous villain from the Mummy franchise. Yep, it's Lauren Bacall. Gone from upstaging Bogey to getting rocked in the face by Christopher Moltisanti. Time makes fools of us all.

Who ya got?

Turns out blue trunks won by unanimous decision. You can never tell with those little bantamweights.

Boxing fans, look out for Teon Kennedy doin big things in that incredibly unpopular weight class.

"Prince William admits to pre-wedding nerves"

Don't worry. This isn't the story about that headline. This is a story about that the fact that that is a fucking headline. On CNN. Is England ever going to drop the charade? Cue Pharrell "I know that you're carryin' on, nevermind if you're showin off, you are just frontin, (you know that I want you England). But seriously stop frontin. You know you ain't no monarchy baby. It's ok. I accept you. I love you for your content; your Karl Pilkington, your 'Skins', your guy from get him to the greek, your old lady who tells james bond what to do, not your surface appearance. So lets drop this cutesy act where you pretend that you're still ruled like you were when people got the plague. Then this prince guy can be just another douche. Which he already is. Just a random douche who's rich for no reason. Don't get me wrong, we have douches who are rich for no reason over here "across the pond". Probably more of them. But we make them live in a house on the jersey shore for our entertainment, or at least put out a sex tape, before they get to be rich. Now that's how you run a country