Kid Fails to Grasp Everything

Hey kid, fuck you. Charlie Sheen is a fucking "warlock...rock star from mars," and in case you missed it, he can jump of a cliff because he's "an F-18, bro," just spitting "gnarly-isms" like a mothefucking "high priest." How many Best Anal Scene AVN award-winning starlettes watched Jaws for the first time on your bitchin' yacht? Zero. If Major League 3(b) came out right now, it would be the highest grossing film in the history of cinema. So why don't you go jump off a cliff before Captain Sheen melts your face off. "Winning."

Mouth Cancer, Here I Come. Thanks for the Heads Up, Taiwan.

So, this story broke like a week ago: apparently a study shows that guys (especially white guys, I guess, for some reason) who feast on the clam burger like Kobayashi are more likely to catch the big C right in the mouth (no pun intended, but seriously, did you see what I just did there?), and I guess this has something to do with HPV. Well, it was only a matter of time until Taiwan went straight genius on everyone's ass and animated the shit out of this story. I have loved every second of Taiwanese news animation, and this might be my favorite. Of course HPV is a pimp, and fish tacos always feature whole trout. Genius.

Robbery Sort Of

Nice plan bro. I'm going to go controversial with this and give China some credit here. Here's why: when you limit your citizens' access to movies and TV and the internet and shit, regular people have no fucking idea how to do hood rat stuff like rob a bank. In 'Merica, a seven year old knows how to steal a car, and everyone who's seen The Town knows that if you're going to rob a bank, wear a mask (before you actually enter the bank), hack the alarm, bring a gun, and get the fuck out as quickly as possible. Hatchet versus bullet proof glass for six minutes? Nerp. So, ya, China doesn't have to worry about master mind bank robbers, a small victory for the reds. We roll a bit more on the gangster side of the force over here, case in point:

Cheerleader Fondles Pitt Player's Ball

Ya, I made a balls joke. Fuck it. Nobody is going to read a post about some "Bring It On" bro's premature cheer ejaculation, but if I tweet some post about a cheerleader cupping an opposing player's scrotum, everyone's going to read it. Blogging 101. It's not my fault you people are sick.
P.S. I can't be trusted court-side either. I'm like a little fucking kid, and if I have a chance to toss the game ball into the rafters right before the floor gets stormed, I'm taking that shit ten times out of ten. Gaffles.  

Really?

Really? I could sit here and point out every ridiculous aspect of this 19th century go-cart (no tires, chainsaw motor, no torque, etc.), but I'm not. I'm actually glad to see some Russians showing some good old fashioned American ingenuity to stick-to-it-iveness. We win. The cold war is finally over, and Russian rednecks are inventing fucked up racing machines straight outta the bayou.  

Corey Haim Memoriam Montage

Can't believe they left Corey out of the montage. Somewhere, Sheen is pouring a shot out for the Haim and promptly licking it up off the floor...still winning.

Best. Dance. Ever.

Not gonna lie, this guy is a better dancer than I am. But that isn't why I respect him. I respect him because I too am a lazy asshole. Despite his melodious vigor, this man is lazy as fuck. How do I know? Guy bought a nice new TV and, rather than replace his old set on the shelf, he just put the new one on top and cleverly disguised the old shit box under a small tablecloth. Straight not giving a fuck, like a boss.

Camel Going Down

[Insert camel toe joke here]

Chatroulette Update

Fuck chatroulette. No one will talk to me. I don't have my dick out. I seriously will talk to anyone. I'm just lonely and homely. Only Turkish dudes and emo chicks will amuse me for a few seconds, then nothing.

Not Boston College

Yo, you see that BC boxing shit on the stool bro! Yes. I did. Saw it before it was posted on Stool Boston and El Pres shit all over BC. It's not Boston College because they name the dorm in the original, and that dorm doesn't exist here. Fight also sucks. I remember helmet boxing, from football, lacrosse, hockey, and probably womens volleyball back in grade school.

Impressive?

Not gonna lie, as I've said before, can't touch the rim anymore. I get laid with words, flat out. If breakin' boards gets this kid laid, just go with it. So you're not good at sports? Fuck it. Fake it til you make it.

I'm Drunk on a Wednesday

Newsflash: I'm drunk on a Wednesday with my roommates. Movie lineup: Willow, Always Sunny Season 1, Night at the Roxbury, Walk Hard, Animal House, Scent of a Woman. Chatroulette: Hard. Underage Girls Friended and Accepted by Benny: 2. Fucks Given: 0. Bootycalls: 1. Showed Up: 1. Left Us Upon Arrival: 1. Handles: 2. I love listing shit. See you tomorrow.

Kid's Gonna Get So Much Ass Someday

Mortal Lock: Stoollala will blog this tomorrow, but I'm just going to give the kid a high five right now. If my wife ever trains my son to do this while I'm at work actually contributing to the world, I will hang myself in Fenway, where he would have played had his mother not fucked him in the head so badly. Seriously though, no one should ever blame this kid for working it like a motherfucker, all mom's fault.

Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

Nice try, Jimmy, or whatever the fuck your name is. Sensed the dog adoption papers on the way, so you learned a trick. But I caught the editing you bastard, and I know for a fact my dog would stick a thumb up anytime anyplace: no, "Do it again Jimmy?" end scene, cut to cat feeling like doing it again later. Do you know how many times a dog will chase a ball? Forever. Know why? Because they are everything my girlfriend isn't--namely, trainable. So, fuck you, Jimmy. If I wanted yet another un-trainable pussy, I'd date one. Cats remain worthless. Edit that mofo.

The Mexicutioner

SURPRISE, Ariz. -- Kansas City Royals closer Joakim Soria wants to get rid of his nickname.

Soria saved 43 games in 46 opportunities last season and for the second time in two years was selected to the All-Star Game. Along the way, he's picked up a nickname he doesn't like: "The Mexicutioner."

Soria is from Monclova, Mexico. He says the nickname has a negative connotation and is particularly bad these days with all of the drug-gang violence in his native country. He wants a different nickname or just to be called by his given name.

Copyright 2011 by The Associated Press

So, I just saw this on ESPN and I have to say, "The Mexicutioner" will forever be Soria's nickname. What negative connotation? You mean sports? You're a fucking closer. Your job is to end people. That's why "Hell's Bells" and "Enter Sandman" and shit play when you guys enter the game. Nothing will stop Mexican drug lords from running shit in Mexico, especially not some ball throwing defector changing his nickname. Just embrace it, and keep Mexicuting bitches like a motherfucker for our entertainment. You can't pick your nickname, that's why Benny Blanco is Benny Blanco and I'm known among close acquaintances as Huge Cock McGee.  

P.S. I get where this dude is coming from, but he needs to relax. He sounds like a pussy. 

Inbound Fail

Nice pass bro.

Tiger Gunned Down in Cold Blood

I'm usually not one to jump on the animal rights band wagon. I mean, I really don't care that much, and PETA usually just pisses me off. But where the hell is Pam Anderson on this one. She's like PETA's top dog, and yet she's nowhere to be found here in Japan, where they're just gunning down endangered species right in the middle of the zoo. And for what? A drill. The tiger wasn't even being that aggressive. He just looked lost, confused, and scared, and then boom goes the dynamite, sniper in the van takes the motherfucker out. Criminal. Shame on you, zoo. Leave that majestic jungle cat alone. Just lure him into a cage with some pepper, tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.
P.S. Skip like half way through, that's when the death scene sucks you in. Dos thumbs, hombre, no hablo Japanese.

America Win?

Alright, the world hates us because of Jerry Springer and other people like me, but here Britain is just straight  jacking the whole pathetic retard thing right out from under our noses, and failing miserably. Jerry had hamster worshiping masochists and lesbian midget wrestling amputees back when I was in fourth grade, and I watched that shit every half day/ sick day like it was my fucking job. And now Britain, half-assing it with face tattoos, just going all viral video all up in the inter-webs? Nerp. Been there, owned it. We invented garbage like this.

Yolk Swapping Is So Hot Right Now

This is the hottest thing I've seen since nasalingus or tentacle porn. Really. I mean it this time. Japan, you were right. Sex just isn't good. In fact, it's not only dull, but it's repulsive. I hate genitalia, and I just couldn't be happier that you choose to blur out an exposed vagina or one of your nation's lack luster penises, but rather, push the limits to expose the world to bukake videos and girl on dude in a lion mask wearing a dress suit rape fetish material. Just kidding, actually, Japanese pornography is still the most fucked up abortion to ever be spewed forth from post-atomic-apocalypse, American pop-culture overload.

Seriously...Last Bieber Video

Romania may not have an answer for most of our capitalist imperial soft power dominion over the majority of the world, but their Bieber is way better than our Bieber...touche wherever you are.

Barack Rap Parody Showdown

VERSUS



I mean, Flacka Flames is kinda the original. It's got the hilarity factor. However, Extra Juicy is easily more creative, and actually has verses. Plus, dropping the N-word so many times in a song just makes me uncomfortable because rap music has conditioned me to be afraid of black people. Although, being a suburban white kid has conditioned me to straight not give a fuck, so I'm going Flacka Flames 'cuz if I listen to it enough times to learn the lyrics, I can say bitches and ho's in public without feeling any remorse, not like I'm part of the problem, I'm just helpin' my N-word get paid. No, still makes me uncomfortable.

Bieder Goes Down, Hard

I don't hate Justin Bieber. Everyone thinks their talented until someone eventually tells you otherwise, or you hear yourself sing, and it clicks that you're a fucking retard. With everyone telling you you're like Doogie Howser and Michael Jackson's immaculate love child, which seems oddly plausible, it must be difficult to hear yourself sing and admit, "wait, that sucks." When I first saw Bieb's in an interview discussing how much the haters suck, and how he plans on releasing an acoustic album to prove them wrong, I was all for it. Then, like everyone else, I heard him perform his little 15 second acoustic set at the Grammy's and realized that he actually does in fact suck, and the haters don't hate him, they hate a system which allows him to make millions while people with skills like fixing a car or building a house or tending to the sick or singing or acting or dancing can't feed their families. So, ya, everyone wants to see him get shot up. It's fucking hilarious. I don't hate Justin Bieber, but I agree with all the rational people that say fuck you, Bieber.

P.S. You can't act either, bro. I mean, my sixth grade performance in a re-imagining of Macbeth set on a 1960's American university campus totally owned that death scene. Ya, I acted a bit, until I realized that drama club kids never got laid. I'll admit it. Haters.

P.P.S. If I were Bieber, I'd do exactly the same thing. Oh, you wanna give me all your money? Okay. Last Bieber video ever. Haters.

Most Smashable TV Moms

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Best Video I've Seen All Day

Well done. Well done.

Happy Valentine's Day

Singing Sweet Caroline to your girlfriend in the middle of the food court while Joe Shmoe smears his freedom fries all over her as he walks by: fail. And don't get on your knee twice. Respect yourself. You really wanna have to beg for her to take the ring you just dropped three month's salary on? That's the precedent you're setting? Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

P.S. I hope it does. He can't help being a dumb ass.

Awesome

Met a kid who had never seen this video/heard this song. Fuck you. This song is awesome. That is all.

Gosh Darn It

So........no biggie.......but the writing partner got busted by the Po-Po last night. Poop. Guess I'll have to be creative while balancing class and blogging pointless garbage. This G language doing it for you? Might be under surveillance, just saying. 

Big Baby Goes Straight Everyman On Your Ass

You know what? What am I going to do? FU Baby, I would dunk all over your ass. 'Cept I wouldn't. Far too pale and far too drunk. Actually, thanks. Pretty sure I got a blow job tonight because I dropped the line, "Know what? Even I can touch the rim," at a sports bar, and she pretty much can't argue the fact that that makes me the most athletic 5'8'' WOP in Boston. So thanks, baby big man. We can't jump either.

P.S. Totally can't touch the rim anymore. Could when I was like seventeen. I can barely do that whole jump and hit the door frame thing that all the tall asshole jocks pulled off in fifth grade so they could get HJ's from the poor/necessarily sluttier girls back in the day. I can't be the only kid who remembers that. I might be the only kid who's still bitter. Actually why I strove for the rim in the first place. Totally hit it that one time though.

P.P.S. Fuck you Zack, you door frame hitting, fifth grade asshole. Baby and I will rock your shit anytime, anywhere.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Good effort out there, Miss. 

Really?

Not that equestrian hobbies really count as a sport or anything, but they're apparently close enough to still be impossible for women to do correctly.

BJ Raji Touchdown Dance, Exclusive Behind the Scenes Rehearsal Footage

By far my second favorite nose tackle in the league.

P.S. jk, roflmao, brb, freezer 143

WTF?

So, took the number one smoosh out for a nice dinner last night cause I severely pissed her off Thursday night because...I don't actually remember why since I was blackout. Anyway, just stumbled back to my place to find:
1 open pocket knife on the floor
4 empty Colt .45's
Countless Busch Light cans
3 empty handles of Ron Roberto Spiced Rum scattered around
1 plate of cookies
2 pairs of pants
4 ping pong balls
Anchor Man playing on the TV, but on mute
1 rotisserie chicken, torn apart, possibly sexually
1 couch, upside down
1 water-cooler filled with jungle juice
1 set of keys for a Volkswagon, no one here drives one
1 purse
1 empty suite case
Kix, kid tested, mother approved
A text from my roommate saying he was arrested for breaking and entering
1 used condom
...WTF? That's why you never waste a Saturday to take a girl out for a nice dinner--missed fucking everything. No one is even here to explain what happened. Fucking Valentine's Day.

P.S. Guess I'm having jungle juice and stale cookies for lunch. Win.

He Got Game

Congrats ray ray. You got game.

Movie Trailer Remix

Here's a movie trailer remix I made freshman year. My name on collegehumor is black belt jones. Like that shit. Unless you don't like it.

'Merica!

Your sister.

By the Way...Heat Talking?

P.S. If Prince Labia-ron  says one more sentence about only playing 40 whatever games to the Green Machine's   Tres Hundee, I'm going to go Lord of the Flies on his ass with El Campion del Mundo Trophy. It's called success Pus Woos. Can't wait for your ego to strangle your mojo in its sleep. Good luck with your Heat flashes of greatness in South Beach, Ms. DoubtYourFire (see what I just did there?).

Lakers?

I'm PowpowGaSow. How happy am I that Shaq and Jermaine didn't hit me in the chin all night while Perk was resting? If you don't say 11 out of 10, you have never seen said "big man" Laker play 3 minutes. Have fun kids. I still think Kobe was always meant to be a Celtic, because he's the best shit talker/forearm thrower since Bird/Ainge, but I am still expecting to see the The Ancient Three of San An Tone in the finals. Grats Ray Ray; I'd call you Jesus, but i'ts been done.

Champion-ish

Straight fire. I wonder what this kid would have done if he actually had an audience. I mean, basically drinking  casually with a couple of bros, just pouring flaming vodka all over himself for shits and giggs. Like a boss.

P.S. That's enough shameless robbery from failblog.org  for one day.

Really?

On behalf of alcoholism, fuck you bro. Last week we booted the world's gooey-est cunt nugget from a party for throwing away a full cup of jungle juice because it was "too strong" and now you lay this on me. Bad form. That is all.

Official Invitation to a Party We're Throwing (Sort of)

So, we wrote up a Facebook event description for a party we're having this Friday, and since everybody and their step-mom seems to think it's the bee's knees, I figured I'd throw it on the blog. Whatever. Half-assed, I know. Party's called "Get You Heart-On," the girls next door are throwing it and we just wrote up the description in exchange for beers because girls aren't funny. (Does that make us professional writers? Yup.) Figured at least this proves that we are actual college students that actually party four nights a week: 


Roses are red. Violets are blue. Come to the Strip Mod, get sloppy, and screw. That's what Valentine's Day is all about. Romance takes time, effort, and disposable income. Getting your Heart-On at the mods takes Keystone Light and a lot of dirty, filthy, pumping....fist pumping to "No Hablo Americano" til 4 am. That chubby, arrow slinging infant can suck it. Valentine's Day isn't about candle lit dinners and slow dancing to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" in your living room; it's about having a respectable excuse to wear lingerie in public and ripping tequila shots while drunkenly eye-fucking the shit out of randos from across the room, same as every other holiday in college. So come get it. Saint Valentine is so hot right now.


P.S. You're invited if you know where the Strip Mod is. Updates on the damage to follow.

Luke Skywalker is a Cunnilingus Guru

Are Warsies (Star Wars fans, their term not mine) secretly Jedi masters of the female anatomy? Probably. Hear me out. Benny Blanco and I were walking back from the liquor store this Tuesday, and we were talking about the clitoris (which just took me like five tries to spell) and the best way to describe its location to a less sexually adept kid. Why we were having this conversation? There were a couple of girls behind us and obviously the best way to get into their pants is to indirectly tell them that we know exactly where to find the pearl in their slam clam. The best way to track it down? Enter the trench and work your way up until you find a little button and fire away til she explodes. Boom. Don't even use the computer, Luke. Use the fucking force. Trust your instincts. But it's only about the size of a womp rat or whatever? Fuck it. You'll know it when you come to it. And once she explodes, give it a rest for a while. Don't wanna tickle it too much. Am I right? Fukcin' A, Warsies, chowing down like champs since 1977.

Parenting 101

Japanese game shows  get a bad rep. Tying a woman up and pouring scorpions over her face or allowing piglets to eat slop off of her is pretty fucked up. Tentacle porn...pretty bad too. Fair enough, pretty bad. I'm going to watch it, but I'm not going to be proud of myself afterwards. But I don't see anything wrong with this. The bear's in a fucking cage. Man up. In fact, I'm doing this. As soon as my kid can walk, he's standing toe to toe with a polar bear, and so help me God, if that little bastard screams I'm getting out the scorpions.

P.S. That bear's a fucking dumbass, when was the last time they fed you a live seal bro? Have you ever even seen a seal before? Respect yourself.