Rookie Move, Mailman

So, I'm walking around the neighborhood today, and I notice every mailbox is slapped with a "Wet Paint" sign. Fucking rookie move, chief. Um, mailman, you're in Allston, the hipster mecca. To a hipster, "Wet Paint" translates to "Free Paint." Now every occupier in a ten mile radius is going to have matching postal service blue denim jackets and messenger bags, and every mailbox near my apartment is going to have a whiny little blotch on it, can't wait to see all the smurf-looking cool kids lurking outside of Silhouette tomorrow night.

P.S. I was walking back from the packie when I noticed the mailboxes, and I gotta say, Sam Summer gets all the glory, but Harpoon IPA is the real Boston summer beer. Fuck what ya heard.

The Shtick Continues

The shtick continues.  First off, this post has nothing to do with tits, but if I just put a picture of me backhanding an elderly Indian, nobody would read this, so fuck it, fake it til you make it, bro. Actually, everybody would read this, but I don't have that picture. Anyway, I've dropped some tweets recently about the owner at my corner packy, specifically the fact that every time I pick up a thirty, he says, "Big party today?" and makes me feel like an asshole. No, bro, 30 is just the number of beers I drink on a Sunday. Today was the icing on the cake. Sunday fun day, so I snagged myself an eighteen, and yet, still with the "Big  party" line. The fuck? Ya, I'm throwing a real hoe-down with my 18 natties, gonna rage like it's 1999 you combed over snuffleupagus testicle-looking beer peddler. So, I finally told him, "Just me, actually, I'm not a big party guy." This ends now. There is no party. There never was a party. Get off me.  

UPDATE: Picked up a 24 with nothing but a "nice weather today." Smells like...victory. 

Russia's Got Talent-ish

First off, yes, opening a bottle of wine without a cork screw is infuriating, but it can't possibly be this funny--it's just a way of swinging your dick around in front of your alcoholic cute and quirky girlfriend while you MacGyver it with a knife and some 'Merican stick-to-it-iveness. This is like Duck Soup or Who's on First retro comedy. So either eastern Europe is uber-hipster and this shit will be funny again in ten years, or they are in comedy as in everything else about 75 years behind us and the Stooges remake will kill over there as soon as they develop VHS technology. And what's with all the judges having their own dining table? Oh, you fancy, huh? Get on my level, Vlad.

Ghost Face Peppa (Not Wu Tang vs Salt N Peppa Mashup)

Fake it till you make it? I grew up in the ghetto...and white...so...ya, fruit punch in a bottle? Fuck you. Mix powder with soda water and lemon juice, ass. Black people My neighbors do powder with sugar and tap, but still not name-brand bottled shit. Also, you have lighting equipment. Fake poor = racist all day. Also, I've had a ghost pepper, and shit is legit not a tease. Full Throttle. Charlie's Angels 2.

Guy Buys Lemon, Gets Mad When It Doesn't Taste Like Strawberries

You mad, bro? Read the fine print. When your car manufacturer also make microwaves, TVs, and irons, your car only turns left. Sorry. Get a job as a homeless man and buy a Hyundai.

Me With Any Girl Over 5'5''

Hard truth. 

Hero Liberates Commuters Only To Be Betrayed By Bus

And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who...fuck you hipster...fuck you more bus.

Happy Easter. Puppies.

Harry Potter Groupies Go Hard

I've been labeled a hater from sea to shining sea, and frankly my dear, go fuck yourself. If I've said it once, I've said it several times a month since I was 10, Harry Potter is an embarrassment, and when my least valuable friends talk about the book or the movies or their own shameful dreams, this is what they all sound like.

P.S. Cue all the Dukies saying, "This is what UNC girls sound like all the time...lolz." Good joke guy.

Will The Worm Like Prison...or Love It?

Sports Illustrated Flamboyant former NBA star Dennis Rodman has been told he could face up to 20 days in jail unless he pays some $860,000 in child support. 

So, apparently Rodman's on his way to green mile because he and every other NBA player owes a gazillion in child support, blah, blah, blah. That really isn't the interesting part. What intrigues me is this farce of a defense he's putting up, pretending that 20 days in prison wouldn't be the most fun he's ever had. No one's going to pick a fight with a big'un with jagged 'bows and a knack for sack taps, first off. Plus, I gotta think there will probably be a pool going on whether the greatest rebounding tranny of all time actively wants to be someone's bitch or if he might just be straight enough to fake believable reluctance (but based on the Carmen Electra banging and being the commish of the Lingerie Football League, he's definitely not gay, just a weird as shit attention whore, right?) Which brings me to my next point, he was probably still relevant when half of these hoodlums were locked up, and you know he's been dying to be famous again (cue the E! reality show following his incarceration.) Who's better suited for Oz II than a HOF 6'6'' professional wrestler in a wedding dress? Probably most people, but fuck it, this'll be more entertaining.  


P.S. Did some research...pretty sure he might definitely be Bi. 


Disclaimer: I'm not implying that gay guys in prison have fun getting raped, just implying that Rodman might be a slutty dude with some pretty kinky fantasies. 

Revis Makes a Jerk of Himself

This pretty much sums up the differences between the Jets and the Pats. Gronk's basically our least savvy media personality--entertaining as hell, but gets filmed spinnin' his shirt round his head like a hellicoptah (read in Petey Pablo voice) after the Superbowl loss...not to mention he's probably hung over for this interview. Revis, on the other hand, isn't even in the Jets' top three "last fucking idiots I'd want talking about our rivals on Sportscenter" list, and he calls the greatest head coach to ever cut the sleeves off his hoodie a "jerk" and does it under his breath like a seven year-old that just got caught calling his little brother a cucka-face. Cut to Gronk giving the best answer to any question ever: "Tebow?" "Starting quarterback for the Jets." So far in The Dirty's head he can  Gronk-spike the kid's repressed memories if he wants to. Yo Soy Fiesta indeed.

P.S. By "greatest head coach to ever cut the sleeves off his hoodie," I obviously mean the greatest genius to participate in athletics of any kind since Einstein rode a bike.  

P.P.S. In the freeze frame opening to this clip, they both look like they're sitting at a kitchen counter across from Chris Hansen.