Behind the Scenes of Every Rap Video Ever

I cannot possibly express how much this made my day. You wanna make a good video, bro? Do what the Beastie Boys did, grab a fish-eye lens, and videotape yourself in the fucking woods. Gold. Or, here's an idea, you're a scrawny white rapper, you are supposed to be a satire of yourself, so why not make this same video next to your '98 Accord, that shit would at least get a chuckle (not as much as this gem, but with way less embarrassment.) I hope every rapper does this, because it's pathetic in the heart-warming way that only a douchebag's downfall can be. Obscure reference, but I grew up with this shit: remember back on The Real World: New Orleans, when the cast had to produce a public access show (The Real 7 on 77, I think) and in the intro, each cast member introduces himself, except David, an aspiring R&B singer, who decided to videotape himself next to Land Rovers that weren't his, while he pretended to unlock them in super slow-mo and his terrible R&B re-imagining of "Luck Be a Lady" played in the background. This of course started a whole controversy in the house about what an asshole he is, and ever since then, I've had a sneeking suspicion that all rap videos are exactly like that. Now, I know that they are. Fuck you, David.

P.S. The fact that the video groupie on the hood seems completely unaffected by this leads me to believe that I am 100% right on this. She's been in every video ever, and clearly knows the drill.

Editor's Note: People keep telling me that this video is fake because the rapper is white, as is the car owner. Fuck that. I stand by my thinly veiled Bostonian racism as well as my assertion that David was and is in fact an asshole. As for the "production value is too low for a real video" argument, you are a fucking mongoloid sea creature's masturbatory rag if you think that poor people don't make rap videos. (I am not actually racist, but you are. If I'm wrong, prove it. Owned.)

Yet Another Sheen Remix

I'm just going to blog every fucking Sheen remix I find. Straight fire, but I can't help but feel like this would be so much better if I was on some Sheen right now.

Spring Break Abs

Not gonna lie, this is roughly the shape I'm in. Except, instead of airsoft pellets, imagine popcorn kernels tumbling from my chin while I watch Hot Shots Part Deux on my Netflix at 2pm on a Tuesday while sipping skunked Busch and mumbling Sheen quotes to myself in between chews. Problem: I'm leaving for Vegas on Saturday for Spring Break, and this is the shit I'm packin'. Just a few weeks ago, Benny Blanco and me were all pumped to get P90X because Mike'n'Mike kinda talked us into it somehow (like we were going to have pornstars sipping Red Headed Sluts from our rippling abs), and then we just didn't do a fucking thing because we were busy mocking strangers on the internet and trolling YouJizz and Chatroulette simultaneously. And of course, my one roommate, Case Race, that's actually in shape refuses to be seen with me if a wear a t-shirt in the hot tub, well fuck you, bro, I don't wanna be seen next to you with my shirt off. Guess I'll have to settle for strippers doing lines off my cock.

P.S. I'm actually a stud, and everybody wants to fuck me, and my number one smoosh is like seven shades of smoke. Benny actually looks like shit though.

P.P.S. I'm actually repulsive and the only girl that will fuck me is my inexplicably hot girlfriend.

P.P.P.S. The only reason I'm sucking my girlfriend off so much in this blog is because I'm going to Vegas without her for spring break, and she's not happy about it.

I Love You LaShonda

Just a fair warning to everyone: I am doing this right now. Honestly, it's kind of a slow day around here, and this just seems like the kind of hood rat stuff that can turn an afternoon around. I just wanna spread the love. 

Best Picture

That is all.

Kid Fails to Grasp Everything

Hey kid, fuck you. Charlie Sheen is a fucking "warlock...rock star from mars," and in case you missed it, he can jump of a cliff because he's "an F-18, bro," just spitting "gnarly-isms" like a mothefucking "high priest." How many Best Anal Scene AVN award-winning starlettes watched Jaws for the first time on your bitchin' yacht? Zero. If Major League 3(b) came out right now, it would be the highest grossing film in the history of cinema. So why don't you go jump off a cliff before Captain Sheen melts your face off. "Winning."

Mouth Cancer, Here I Come. Thanks for the Heads Up, Taiwan.

So, this story broke like a week ago: apparently a study shows that guys (especially white guys, I guess, for some reason) who feast on the clam burger like Kobayashi are more likely to catch the big C right in the mouth (no pun intended, but seriously, did you see what I just did there?), and I guess this has something to do with HPV. Well, it was only a matter of time until Taiwan went straight genius on everyone's ass and animated the shit out of this story. I have loved every second of Taiwanese news animation, and this might be my favorite. Of course HPV is a pimp, and fish tacos always feature whole trout. Genius.

Robbery Sort Of

Nice plan bro. I'm going to go controversial with this and give China some credit here. Here's why: when you limit your citizens' access to movies and TV and the internet and shit, regular people have no fucking idea how to do hood rat stuff like rob a bank. In 'Merica, a seven year old knows how to steal a car, and everyone who's seen The Town knows that if you're going to rob a bank, wear a mask (before you actually enter the bank), hack the alarm, bring a gun, and get the fuck out as quickly as possible. Hatchet versus bullet proof glass for six minutes? Nerp. So, ya, China doesn't have to worry about master mind bank robbers, a small victory for the reds. We roll a bit more on the gangster side of the force over here, case in point:

Cheerleader Fondles Pitt Player's Ball

Ya, I made a balls joke. Fuck it. Nobody is going to read a post about some "Bring It On" bro's premature cheer ejaculation, but if I tweet some post about a cheerleader cupping an opposing player's scrotum, everyone's going to read it. Blogging 101. It's not my fault you people are sick.
P.S. I can't be trusted court-side either. I'm like a little fucking kid, and if I have a chance to toss the game ball into the rafters right before the floor gets stormed, I'm taking that shit ten times out of ten. Gaffles.  

Really?

Really? I could sit here and point out every ridiculous aspect of this 19th century go-cart (no tires, chainsaw motor, no torque, etc.), but I'm not. I'm actually glad to see some Russians showing some good old fashioned American ingenuity to stick-to-it-iveness. We win. The cold war is finally over, and Russian rednecks are inventing fucked up racing machines straight outta the bayou.  

Corey Haim Memoriam Montage

Can't believe they left Corey out of the montage. Somewhere, Sheen is pouring a shot out for the Haim and promptly licking it up off the floor...still winning.

Best. Dance. Ever.

Not gonna lie, this guy is a better dancer than I am. But that isn't why I respect him. I respect him because I too am a lazy asshole. Despite his melodious vigor, this man is lazy as fuck. How do I know? Guy bought a nice new TV and, rather than replace his old set on the shelf, he just put the new one on top and cleverly disguised the old shit box under a small tablecloth. Straight not giving a fuck, like a boss.

Camel Going Down

[Insert camel toe joke here]

Chatroulette Update

Fuck chatroulette. No one will talk to me. I don't have my dick out. I seriously will talk to anyone. I'm just lonely and homely. Only Turkish dudes and emo chicks will amuse me for a few seconds, then nothing.

Not Boston College

Yo, you see that BC boxing shit on the stool bro! Yes. I did. Saw it before it was posted on Stool Boston and El Pres shit all over BC. It's not Boston College because they name the dorm in the original, and that dorm doesn't exist here. Fight also sucks. I remember helmet boxing, from football, lacrosse, hockey, and probably womens volleyball back in grade school.

Impressive?

Not gonna lie, as I've said before, can't touch the rim anymore. I get laid with words, flat out. If breakin' boards gets this kid laid, just go with it. So you're not good at sports? Fuck it. Fake it til you make it.

I'm Drunk on a Wednesday

Newsflash: I'm drunk on a Wednesday with my roommates. Movie lineup: Willow, Always Sunny Season 1, Night at the Roxbury, Walk Hard, Animal House, Scent of a Woman. Chatroulette: Hard. Underage Girls Friended and Accepted by Benny: 2. Fucks Given: 0. Bootycalls: 1. Showed Up: 1. Left Us Upon Arrival: 1. Handles: 2. I love listing shit. See you tomorrow.

Kid's Gonna Get So Much Ass Someday

Mortal Lock: Stoollala will blog this tomorrow, but I'm just going to give the kid a high five right now. If my wife ever trains my son to do this while I'm at work actually contributing to the world, I will hang myself in Fenway, where he would have played had his mother not fucked him in the head so badly. Seriously though, no one should ever blame this kid for working it like a motherfucker, all mom's fault.

Cat Tries Desperately To Be Cool

Nice try, Jimmy, or whatever the fuck your name is. Sensed the dog adoption papers on the way, so you learned a trick. But I caught the editing you bastard, and I know for a fact my dog would stick a thumb up anytime anyplace: no, "Do it again Jimmy?" end scene, cut to cat feeling like doing it again later. Do you know how many times a dog will chase a ball? Forever. Know why? Because they are everything my girlfriend isn't--namely, trainable. So, fuck you, Jimmy. If I wanted yet another un-trainable pussy, I'd date one. Cats remain worthless. Edit that mofo.

The Mexicutioner

SURPRISE, Ariz. -- Kansas City Royals closer Joakim Soria wants to get rid of his nickname.

Soria saved 43 games in 46 opportunities last season and for the second time in two years was selected to the All-Star Game. Along the way, he's picked up a nickname he doesn't like: "The Mexicutioner."

Soria is from Monclova, Mexico. He says the nickname has a negative connotation and is particularly bad these days with all of the drug-gang violence in his native country. He wants a different nickname or just to be called by his given name.

Copyright 2011 by The Associated Press

So, I just saw this on ESPN and I have to say, "The Mexicutioner" will forever be Soria's nickname. What negative connotation? You mean sports? You're a fucking closer. Your job is to end people. That's why "Hell's Bells" and "Enter Sandman" and shit play when you guys enter the game. Nothing will stop Mexican drug lords from running shit in Mexico, especially not some ball throwing defector changing his nickname. Just embrace it, and keep Mexicuting bitches like a motherfucker for our entertainment. You can't pick your nickname, that's why Benny Blanco is Benny Blanco and I'm known among close acquaintances as Huge Cock McGee.  

P.S. I get where this dude is coming from, but he needs to relax. He sounds like a pussy.