Inbound Fail

Nice pass bro.

Tiger Gunned Down in Cold Blood

I'm usually not one to jump on the animal rights band wagon. I mean, I really don't care that much, and PETA usually just pisses me off. But where the hell is Pam Anderson on this one. She's like PETA's top dog, and yet she's nowhere to be found here in Japan, where they're just gunning down endangered species right in the middle of the zoo. And for what? A drill. The tiger wasn't even being that aggressive. He just looked lost, confused, and scared, and then boom goes the dynamite, sniper in the van takes the motherfucker out. Criminal. Shame on you, zoo. Leave that majestic jungle cat alone. Just lure him into a cage with some pepper, tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.
P.S. Skip like half way through, that's when the death scene sucks you in. Dos thumbs, hombre, no hablo Japanese.

America Win?

Alright, the world hates us because of Jerry Springer and other people like me, but here Britain is just straight  jacking the whole pathetic retard thing right out from under our noses, and failing miserably. Jerry had hamster worshiping masochists and lesbian midget wrestling amputees back when I was in fourth grade, and I watched that shit every half day/ sick day like it was my fucking job. And now Britain, half-assing it with face tattoos, just going all viral video all up in the inter-webs? Nerp. Been there, owned it. We invented garbage like this.

Yolk Swapping Is So Hot Right Now

This is the hottest thing I've seen since nasalingus or tentacle porn. Really. I mean it this time. Japan, you were right. Sex just isn't good. In fact, it's not only dull, but it's repulsive. I hate genitalia, and I just couldn't be happier that you choose to blur out an exposed vagina or one of your nation's lack luster penises, but rather, push the limits to expose the world to bukake videos and girl on dude in a lion mask wearing a dress suit rape fetish material. Just kidding, actually, Japanese pornography is still the most fucked up abortion to ever be spewed forth from post-atomic-apocalypse, American pop-culture overload.

Seriously...Last Bieber Video

Romania may not have an answer for most of our capitalist imperial soft power dominion over the majority of the world, but their Bieber is way better than our Bieber...touche wherever you are.

Barack Rap Parody Showdown

VERSUS



I mean, Flacka Flames is kinda the original. It's got the hilarity factor. However, Extra Juicy is easily more creative, and actually has verses. Plus, dropping the N-word so many times in a song just makes me uncomfortable because rap music has conditioned me to be afraid of black people. Although, being a suburban white kid has conditioned me to straight not give a fuck, so I'm going Flacka Flames 'cuz if I listen to it enough times to learn the lyrics, I can say bitches and ho's in public without feeling any remorse, not like I'm part of the problem, I'm just helpin' my N-word get paid. No, still makes me uncomfortable.

Bieder Goes Down, Hard

I don't hate Justin Bieber. Everyone thinks their talented until someone eventually tells you otherwise, or you hear yourself sing, and it clicks that you're a fucking retard. With everyone telling you you're like Doogie Howser and Michael Jackson's immaculate love child, which seems oddly plausible, it must be difficult to hear yourself sing and admit, "wait, that sucks." When I first saw Bieb's in an interview discussing how much the haters suck, and how he plans on releasing an acoustic album to prove them wrong, I was all for it. Then, like everyone else, I heard him perform his little 15 second acoustic set at the Grammy's and realized that he actually does in fact suck, and the haters don't hate him, they hate a system which allows him to make millions while people with skills like fixing a car or building a house or tending to the sick or singing or acting or dancing can't feed their families. So, ya, everyone wants to see him get shot up. It's fucking hilarious. I don't hate Justin Bieber, but I agree with all the rational people that say fuck you, Bieber.

P.S. You can't act either, bro. I mean, my sixth grade performance in a re-imagining of Macbeth set on a 1960's American university campus totally owned that death scene. Ya, I acted a bit, until I realized that drama club kids never got laid. I'll admit it. Haters.

P.P.S. If I were Bieber, I'd do exactly the same thing. Oh, you wanna give me all your money? Okay. Last Bieber video ever. Haters.

Most Smashable TV Moms

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Best Video I've Seen All Day

Well done. Well done.

Happy Valentine's Day

Singing Sweet Caroline to your girlfriend in the middle of the food court while Joe Shmoe smears his freedom fries all over her as he walks by: fail. And don't get on your knee twice. Respect yourself. You really wanna have to beg for her to take the ring you just dropped three month's salary on? That's the precedent you're setting? Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

P.S. I hope it does. He can't help being a dumb ass.

Awesome

Met a kid who had never seen this video/heard this song. Fuck you. This song is awesome. That is all.

Gosh Darn It

So........no biggie.......but the writing partner got busted by the Po-Po last night. Poop. Guess I'll have to be creative while balancing class and blogging pointless garbage. This G language doing it for you? Might be under surveillance, just saying. 

Big Baby Goes Straight Everyman On Your Ass

You know what? What am I going to do? FU Baby, I would dunk all over your ass. 'Cept I wouldn't. Far too pale and far too drunk. Actually, thanks. Pretty sure I got a blow job tonight because I dropped the line, "Know what? Even I can touch the rim," at a sports bar, and she pretty much can't argue the fact that that makes me the most athletic 5'8'' WOP in Boston. So thanks, baby big man. We can't jump either.

P.S. Totally can't touch the rim anymore. Could when I was like seventeen. I can barely do that whole jump and hit the door frame thing that all the tall asshole jocks pulled off in fifth grade so they could get HJ's from the poor/necessarily sluttier girls back in the day. I can't be the only kid who remembers that. I might be the only kid who's still bitter. Actually why I strove for the rim in the first place. Totally hit it that one time though.

P.P.S. Fuck you Zack, you door frame hitting, fifth grade asshole. Baby and I will rock your shit anytime, anywhere.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Good effort out there, Miss. 

Really?

Not that equestrian hobbies really count as a sport or anything, but they're apparently close enough to still be impossible for women to do correctly.

BJ Raji Touchdown Dance, Exclusive Behind the Scenes Rehearsal Footage

By far my second favorite nose tackle in the league.

P.S. jk, roflmao, brb, freezer 143

WTF?

So, took the number one smoosh out for a nice dinner last night cause I severely pissed her off Thursday night because...I don't actually remember why since I was blackout. Anyway, just stumbled back to my place to find:
1 open pocket knife on the floor
4 empty Colt .45's
Countless Busch Light cans
3 empty handles of Ron Roberto Spiced Rum scattered around
1 plate of cookies
2 pairs of pants
4 ping pong balls
Anchor Man playing on the TV, but on mute
1 rotisserie chicken, torn apart, possibly sexually
1 couch, upside down
1 water-cooler filled with jungle juice
1 set of keys for a Volkswagon, no one here drives one
1 purse
1 empty suite case
Kix, kid tested, mother approved
A text from my roommate saying he was arrested for breaking and entering
1 used condom
...WTF? That's why you never waste a Saturday to take a girl out for a nice dinner--missed fucking everything. No one is even here to explain what happened. Fucking Valentine's Day.

P.S. Guess I'm having jungle juice and stale cookies for lunch. Win.

He Got Game

Congrats ray ray. You got game.

Movie Trailer Remix

Here's a movie trailer remix I made freshman year. My name on collegehumor is black belt jones. Like that shit. Unless you don't like it.

'Merica!

Your sister.