Russia Wins, Yet Again

I try to be as American as possible. That being said, Russia is sneakily winning this whole Cold War thing, just taking it in the final minutes of the fourth right out from under our noses. Berlin Wall fell? Fair enough, but The Hoff crooning sweet nothings to a bunch of Deutschlanders all hopped up on Coca Cola and McDonald's doesn't win a war. Wars are won in the hearts and minds of the people, and in the strength of the generations they produce. I'm talking about my childhood. They don't make playground merry-go-rounds anymore. True story. They're dangerous, and they don't exist. Those man-powered iron Gravitrons fucking made my childhood, and they're a dying breed here in the land of lawsuits and little kiddies because it's dangerous to do amazing shit like my boys Vlad and Sergei over here, spinning around, tearing their legs off, having the time of their lives, being molded into men. Kids today never sense true fear at recess anymore, and if not there then where are they to learn how to, when necessary, be animals? Remember gripping that ancient iron handle for dear life, when once your legs gave out and kicked off the back, you knew you were done for, either you bail strategically to avoid crushing your skull on the base as you were flung off or you held on with every fiber of your being, hoping to just slam your knees a little and be dragged through the sand as the death-coaster came to a slow halt? Of fucking course you do. It's what made you who you are. Now, we've got the Ruscies over there training a generation of fearless killing machines while our little allergy-prone fairies learn about Dora the Fucking Explorer and aren't even allowed to climb jungle gyms. Game. Set. Match.

P.S. What's with all these allergy-prone kids? Do you think they sell glutton-free/dairy-free cookies at the bakery? No, kid, they fucking don't, you genetically vegan circus freak, so get out of line so I can order people food.

P.P.S. Fuck Russia.