Russia's Got Talent-ish

First off, yes, opening a bottle of wine without a cork screw is infuriating, but it can't possibly be this funny--it's just a way of swinging your dick around in front of your alcoholic cute and quirky girlfriend while you MacGyver it with a knife and some 'Merican stick-to-it-iveness. This is like Duck Soup or Who's on First retro comedy. So either eastern Europe is uber-hipster and this shit will be funny again in ten years, or they are in comedy as in everything else about 75 years behind us and the Stooges remake will kill over there as soon as they develop VHS technology. And what's with all the judges having their own dining table? Oh, you fancy, huh? Get on my level, Vlad.

Ghost Face Peppa (Not Wu Tang vs Salt N Peppa Mashup)

Fake it till you make it? I grew up in the ghetto...and white...so...ya, fruit punch in a bottle? Fuck you. Mix powder with soda water and lemon juice, ass. Black people My neighbors do powder with sugar and tap, but still not name-brand bottled shit. Also, you have lighting equipment. Fake poor = racist all day. Also, I've had a ghost pepper, and shit is legit not a tease. Full Throttle. Charlie's Angels 2.

Guy Buys Lemon, Gets Mad When It Doesn't Taste Like Strawberries

You mad, bro? Read the fine print. When your car manufacturer also make microwaves, TVs, and irons, your car only turns left. Sorry. Get a job as a homeless man and buy a Hyundai.

Me With Any Girl Over 5'5''

Hard truth. 

Hero Liberates Commuters Only To Be Betrayed By Bus

And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who...fuck you hipster...fuck you more bus.

Happy Easter. Puppies.

Harry Potter Groupies Go Hard

I've been labeled a hater from sea to shining sea, and frankly my dear, go fuck yourself. If I've said it once, I've said it several times a month since I was 10, Harry Potter is an embarrassment, and when my least valuable friends talk about the book or the movies or their own shameful dreams, this is what they all sound like.

P.S. Cue all the Dukies saying, "This is what UNC girls sound like all the time...lolz." Good joke guy.